Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Finding My Way....


While I was in Florida I saw lots of old friends that I have not seen for a long time. It was bittersweet. It was great to hug them and talk to them and see them. And it was sad because I had to leave again. And also, because I can never go back to the way things used to be. I am not the same person that I was 2 or 3 years ago. I am not even the same person that I was a year ago. I feel things differently now. Different things are important to me.

One of the people that I saw was someone that I loved. Loved more than life itself, it seemed so at the time anyway. I would have died for this man. And I grew away and apart from him. And met my husband. And fell in love with him. And the love that I have for Steven is better and cleaner and stronger than the love that I had for this other man. But, god, to see him again.... it brought back those feelings.

I would never go back to that relationship. It was not healthy. And it was not good. But it was definitely passionate. And crazy. And sexy.

Seeing him again makes me feel.... sad.

And happy. Happy that I am healthy and sane and safe.

But still...... sad.

So, I cry a little bit. And I think that these tears are the healing that I have needed for a long time. the healing that I have been searching for and have not found until now. You never know how much you have grown and changed until you are put back into a situation from your past. You never really know how you will react.

I would not change anything that happened to me in my past. It has made me who I am today. I embrace it, accept it and now... put it behind me. And go on.

My feelings are very close to the surface this week. I seem to be going from happy and excited to depressed and sad to angry and frustrated in the blink of an eye. Right now I am just... quietly sad but relaxed and happy all at the same time.

Yes, I know that I am a bit odd. Ha.


Claudia said...

My feelings are just under the flesh as well. Something in the alignment of the planets seems to be affecting a lot of women these days. More sentimental, easily reduced to tears. Hard to control emotions...

I am here if you need me.

Nana The Nana said...

The same thing causing sleepless nights is causing a lot of "stuff". We all have to go back and come face to face with out past. One of these days I will share my journey with you. Not in the near future, but one of these days...I smiled when I read your post for today..I love you.