Heartbroken

Any of my readers who are also friends with me on Facecrack already know that my Mother passed away. She was always after me to write in this blog more often. So, in memory of her and to help me work through my grief and get my life back on track  here it goes....

Sandra Lee Basel White

February 14, 1945 - December 29, 2011

A friend of my Mom's read the following at her Memorial Mass: 

Good morning. I am Patti T***r and I have had the privilege of working with Sandy the past 27 years. But I am not here just as a co-worker, because Sandy was so much more than that to me. When her family asked me to speak today, I started thinking of what Sandy would want to me tell you. 

The word FAMILY kept coming into my head. I think the most important thing to Sandy was FAMILY
•not just her natural family – her mother, sisters, children, and grandchildren
•but also her spiritual family here at this church which she loved
•her family at Curves who helped her stay physically active
•and her family at Waldo Community School of coworkers, students, parents, and grandparents.

Many of you know me and know that I come from a very small family, of which I am the only one left. Sandy and I had known each other for 11 years when my mother died, and I became a family of 1. Sandy never tried to “be my mom” at that time, but she definitely adopted me into her family. 
•She would invite me to family gatherings at times she knew it would be difficult for me to be alone. 
•She would let me moan, groan, and complain - and later forget I ever said anything.

•She would irritate me, I think sometimes on purpose - just so we could laugh about it later.
•She was always patient with me when I needed some distance, and she was loving when I needed a slap up side the head.
•She would remember my birthday and ALWAYS sing “Happy Birthday” to me.
•She would celebrate my successes and mourn my losses as if I was her daughter.

And that’s what family does
•they make you feel wanted,
•they comfort you,
•they make you laugh, 
•they make you cry, 
•they frustrate you, 
•they correct you, 
•they are patient with you, 
•they embrace you, 
•they just love you. 

Sandy was family – She truly comforted, corrected, embraced, and loved everyone in her many families. 

Some of my students drew pictures and wrote letters which I gave to the family on Wednesday. One young man was absent Wednesday, so he gave me his card late. He drew a picture of a heart with a circle in the middle.  When I first looked at it, I saw a hole – a place in all of our hearts where we miss Sandy. 

This morning when I looked at it, I saw it completely differently. I see it as a little piece of Sandy living our hearts. I believe Sandy will always be with us. And I think Sandy would want everyone to remember to look for those people we can embrace into our families as she did. And then love them as Sandy loved us.

What Patti wrote really speaks volumes about the type of woman my Mother was. She loved everyone. You can read a little but about her life HERE where I wrote about her before.


I am devestated. I feel as if a part of me is missing and it hurts tremendously. Every day I struggle to go through the motions, to get back to where I need to be with my life and my home. And every day I feel as if I am failing.


And then I remind myself that it has only been a month since I lost one of the most important and possibly the most influential person in my life. The pain will continue for a long time. I have to learn to embrace it and then move onward and upward each day. And eventually it will get easier. It's hard to believe that right now.


I tried to find a song to post that was one of her favorites. It sucked. I cried. I tried to find a song to describe how I am feeling. It sucked. I cried. I tried to write something that actually had some depth and used correct punctuation and grammar and expressed how I am feeling. It sucked. I cried.


And that's how life is going for me right now.

Menu Schmenu

Menu planning is driving me crazy. I want to do it, but it just slips away from me. Then I spend half of my day each day trying to figure out dinner. It sucks. So here is this weeks plan and maybe I will actually stick to it! And I am listing here the foods that I know the boys will eat for dinner so I can, maybe, plan them a menu. *sigh*


Tuesday - Candied Chicken (from the freezer) with rice and broccoli
Wednesday- Pot Roast with carrots, potatoes and onions (maybe in the slow cooker) and fresh bread from the bread machine.
Thursday - Pizza night?
Friday - Pork chop and hash brown casserole from freezer.  Experimental recipe so we will see if it is any good. If it sucks too bad it's grilled cheese and soup night!
Saturday - Leftovers/ Fend for yourself
Sunday - Mexican casserole/ Navajo taco bake (will link the recipe if I can find it)



Some baking I want to get done this week:

BrownSugar Cinnamon Muffins
Waffles
Several breads in the bread machine. No ideas what kind yet.
COOKIES!!


Foods the boys will eat for dinner:
Frozen cheese pizza
cheese ravioli, no sauce
green peas
corn on the cob
pasta with cheese
chicken nuggets
mac & cheese
nutella or pb&j sandwiches
grilled cheese
fruit (apple slices, pineapple)
ramen noodles
waffles
pancakes
oatmeal
grits


For more, and probably much better planned, menus, head over to Menu Plan Monday at OrgJunkie!

Explaining the Unexplainable

Braeden 2010 

 Beautiful. Funny. Silly. Smart. Loving. Cuddly. Strong. .... Autistic. 

It's part of who he is. Just one part. One part that impacts every other part of his life. When you look at him.... you don't see it. When you talk to him, interact with him, you start to wonder. You may feel a little uncomfortable when he runs up to you and hugs you without even knowing who you are. When he gets right in your face to talk to you. When you can't understand what he is trying to tell you. When he stutters and trips over his words. And then struggles to find the right word that is in his little brain and just won't come out. When he spends the time you are at my home visiting hiding in his room or lining up his cars because he just had a stressful day and can't deal with any more. When he gets angry and shouts and throws toys because his frustration level is just too high and he has no way to release it. When he asks to jump because he needs to be quiet. When he cries over something that would make another child laugh. When he tries to interact with your child and gets frustrated when they don't do what he wants them to. When he tells you what You should be saying or doing because in his mind... that's the way it should be. When you realize that at 6 years old... we still have problems with potty training. When he won't eat what you fixed him for lunch because it has sauce on it. Or the food is touching. Or he doesn't like food that is too hot. Or too cold. Or too.... anything. When he begins to twirl in the grocery store. Or pretends to be a cat in the middle of Wally World... complete with rubbing on your legs and meowing. When he gets scared of the loud intercom, the loud siren or the loud insects. When he cries because the music is too loud. When he throws his toys around the room and breaks them because he can't decide what to play with. Or because they are too bright. Or too noisy. Or for some reason that I just can't figure out. When you see me on Facebook at 3 am because he is still awake and we are worried about leaving him up without supervision but nothing is working to get him to just.... go to sleep. When he runs away from me in a parking lot. In my yard. At the store. In the library. When he screams because he just can't figure out what else to do.

When you look at him, you can't really tell that he is autistic. That he has autism. That he has a disability that will be with him for the rest of his life. And so you think maybe he is just.... spoiled. Or being naughty. Or maybe he is retarded. His parents just need to spank him, teach him right from wrong, control him.... You think his behavior is a choice on his part. But it's not. Or, to be honest, not always. He is still a little boys and sometimes he has typical little boy issues. But most of the time.... he can't control the emotions. He can't stop the behavior. He doesn't understand that he is acting in a socially unacceptable way. 

But he sees the way you look at him. He feels the stares. He hears the whispers. He hears you when you walk up to his parents and say "Why don't you control that little boy? He needs a good spanking!". He hears and he knows but he doesn't know why. And we are left to try to explain the unexplainable. 

Autism is cruel. Humanity has the ability to be crueler. 

Autism is not the tradgedy. Ignorance is the tradgedy. 

PLEASE. Please. Please. If you see a child misbehaving, try not to stare. Try not to be judgmental. You don't know what the parents are going through. You don't know why the child is behaving the way he is. 

PLEASE help to raise awareness of autism. 1 in 110 children is diagnosed with autism. Boys are 4 times more likely to be diagnosed than girls. These numbers are growing every day. Autism is not curable. But it is treatable. Therapy can help. Understanding can help. 

My son is very special. He is an incredible little boy. One day, I expect to watch him graduate from high school. If he chooses, I expect to see him graduate college. I hope one day that he will live in his own home. I hope he is able to find a partner in this life, to love him and understand him.

Until then.... I'm here. 

Menu Planning Around Chaos

It's going to be a weird week. Jenna is out of town for the whole week, gone to her boyfriend's basic training graduation. Braeden has therapy on Wednesday. They are doing social therapy with him so we will be spending time at the park and then eating with a group of children. And Malachai has a beginning evaluation at the School of Psychology on Wednesday afternoon. The rest of my week will probably be just as hectic and crazy.

Along with the crazy scheduling, cooking for one less adult makes my menu wonky. I am just not used to cooking for just me and Steven. The boys are here, of course, but they eat different meals. Due to Braeden's food issues, I usually feed them things like pizza, chicken nuggets and sandwiches which I know they will eat. I hate wasting food. The food battles are just not worth the hassle, either.

Also, Steven is working closing shifts all week long. Which means he goes in to work at noon and doesn't get home until around midnight to one am. I hate cooking and eating by myself. And whatever I cook has to be easily reheated for S when he gets off work. Challenging.

So here are the meals I will be trying to make this week in no particular order:


~Leftovers
~Cheesy Beef and Rice Casserole
~Red Beans and Rice with Ham 
~Potato Kielbasa Skillet made with Italian Sausage
~Ravioli Casserole
~Probably Taco Bell one night (LOL)
~Steven's choice on Sunday when he is off work.


So, that's it. What's on yoru menu this week? And how does your weekly schedule impact your menu?

Linked up with tons of other menus at Organizing Junkie!

Menu Planning .... Wednesday? And the 4th. And stuff.

Yeah yeah. The 4th of July. Big whoopie. See, the thing is..... Braeden has anxiety in large crowds. And he hates loud noises. And Malachai is uber shy. So...... we didn't do anything. No fireworks, no picnics at the park with tons of people, no nothin baby. We stayed home and vegged out and watched tv. theend. LOL

I am currently making an effort to organize my life and streamline crap so I can get back to blogging regularly. It's a dream of mine. I think it MIGHT happen! Shocking, I know.

Right now, I am going to post my menu plan for the rest of this week. In hopes that that will help me stick to it. Let's see how that goes, shall we?

Wednesday: Chicken, broccoli and rice casserole
Thursday: Black beans (or red beans) with rice and leftover smoked pork loin
Friday: Some sort of something made with leftover smoked beef brisket.... any thoughts?
Saturday: Breakfast for dinner (I need to make a huge batch of waffles and pancakes for freezing)
Sunday: Steven's choice

Jenna is headed up to her boyfriend's parents' house on Friday or Saturday. They will be leaving for Missouri on Tuesday and will be gone until the 15th. Her boyfriend is graduating from Basic Training! (Army) We are proud of him! And Jenna can't wait to see him since he has been gone all this time and will be leaving for his other school/ training in California straight from Basic.

I am a nervous wreck about Braeden's school this coming year. That will be a whole separate post soon.

Anyway, off to try to get little boys to go to sleep. More soon!

PS: I linked up to the fab blog Organizing Junkie for her Menu Plan Monday! If you are looking for any inspiration, head over there!