I have always been a little bit OCD. I am not a neat/ clean freak (not Monk) but I like to have things go where they are supposed to go. I need them to be put away WHERE THEY GO. CORRECTLY. My organization is my own. It might not make sense to anyone else. And if it is not right, it makes me crazy. I also count things all the time. Like, if I am stirring cookie dough.... I count how many times I stir it. Or if I am driving behind someone I memorize their license plate #. Weird stuff like that. I also hate for my food to touch. Some foods can touch other foods, some cannot ever touch other foods or they must be thrown away. And corn? Cannot EVER be in anything. Soups with corn? Make me want to vomit. I love corn. Just not in anything and not touching anything. I know. It's weird.
I also am borderline bi-polar. I am mild enough that I do not need medication (yet) but I recognize that a lot of my emotional issues stem from this. The highs and lows. The irritability. The inability to handle this SAHM gig.....
I also suffer from the "super mommy" problem. I expect myself to be able to raise 3 kids, keep the house perfect, have dinner home made every night and still be dressed to kill when hubby gets home. AND want to have sex after having two babies pulling on me all day.
I have been struggling with depression for the past... while. I don't know if it is post partum depression or just a combination of lack of sleep and the crap we have gone through over the past few years. It is only lately that I have seen how bad it has been.
So, now, I can see the problems I am having. And I recognize the fact that if I make a plan to do something, a goal, and don't follow through it makes me very anxious. Very stressed and upset. I also hate to be late for anything. With 3 kids being late is an everyday occurrence.
I have decided that one thing that I can do for myself to deal with this is to start to set more realistic goals for myself. I am not perfect. My house will never be perfect. My kids will never be perfect. So, my first realistic goal... the tiny baby step to getting my life under control is to get my dishwasher loaded every night before I go to bed. No matter what shape the rest of the house is in, I will load the dishwasher. Have all dirty dishes in there or soaking in the sink. This is a goal that I know that I can accomplish. And that will make me feel better, to know that I accomplished a goal.
Another thing that I am going to start doing is an "I did" list instead of a "to do" list. I will still have to do lists but geared as long range lists instead of daily. This way I am not so overwhelmed that I cannot do ANYTHING. Which is what has been happening.
And I have promised myself that I will do something for myself each week. To help me remember who I am. And to help me feel good about myself.
So.... now I have to nurse the baby. And change the boy's diaper. And make cookies......