Call off the dogs!

Call off the dogs, Jessica! I am here and alive and well! This Christmas has been an.... interesting one so far. Very relaxing in some ways as we had no traveling to do and no one came over. It was just me, DH and the 3 kiddos having a quiet day. And lots of good food and yummy cookies. In other ways it was very stressful. My car decided to break down in the midst of last minute Xmas shopping. And there I was with little baby boy and no way home. Long story but eventually the car started and I got it to limp home. My mechanic (who SUPPOSEDLY fixed this same problem on the car months ago) was going to come over for a house call but was unable to make it. So, thanks to some wonderful ladies in my meet and play group, the rest of my shopping was completed without the use of my car. It is still not fixed. It will drive but will not shift out of first gear. So I cannot drive above about 20 mph. Which kinda sucks for going anywhere.

But, Xmas was a success. I took baby boy for his 9 month checkup today and he is doing wonderfully. No problems. It is nice to go to the doctors and not have problems. The Boy ALWAYS has something going on. Not physically but developmentally. So it was nice to have a relaxing office visit with our ped.

My mom and my MIL are on their way here from FL right now. So, Xmas part deaux is about to commence. Can't wait to hug them and have a visit and a chat face to face again. It feels like forever since they were here even though it was just Thanksgiving when they were here!

I will try to post again tonight. More chatting about toys and wrapping paper and cookies.

On another note.... I think I am going to attempt to post every day for 2008. 365 days of blogging. What? Am I crazy? I couldn't even do a month! What am I thinking! Hey, it is worth a shot. And I got a new digital camera for Xmas so I can post PICTURES! Yay! Anyway, I think it will give me a good goal and a good way to take some mental time for myself each day. We will see how it goes!

Later!!!!

Nothing to report

Nothing too earth shattering going on in my life. Just the basic running in place, trying to get ready for the holidays. I am way behind in every way this xmas. My tree is still half naked, my cookies are half made, my presents are .... mostly all bought but not wrapped, the xmas spirit is beginning to filter in though!

I will try to post in between the frenzied wrapping, baking, merry making.... but no guarantees.

Have a wonderful Christmas if I am not back before then!

Monday's Muse

I am reading through some older poetry that I wrote. From before the last two children sucked the creativity out of me. I am wondering where exactly these thoughts came from?? I really impress myself sometimes. (hehe) I will rework and post some of the older things in a little bit. For now, here is a new one. I wrote it this morning. I struggled all week to come up with something and then sat down this morning and wrote this in about five minutes. Not great but I like it. It feels good to me.

Foggy days
buried in laundry
crawling through diapers
struggling to run.

Sleepless nights
worrying, wondering
watching their breaths
falling in love.

Breaking through
making cookies
playing with cars
singing Blue's song.

Sunshine mornings
soon to come
growing and grasping
remembering myself.

I think it needs work and some more thought behind it. But the feeling is there and the idea. And that is a first step to remembering what I am, who I am and getting the muse back!

Examining My Mental Health

I have always been a little bit OCD. I am not a neat/ clean freak (not Monk) but I like to have things go where they are supposed to go. I need them to be put away WHERE THEY GO. CORRECTLY. My organization is my own. It might not make sense to anyone else. And if it is not right, it makes me crazy. I also count things all the time. Like, if I am stirring cookie dough.... I count how many times I stir it. Or if I am driving behind someone I memorize their license plate #. Weird stuff like that. I also hate for my food to touch. Some foods can touch other foods, some cannot ever touch other foods or they must be thrown away. And corn? Cannot EVER be in anything. Soups with corn? Make me want to vomit. I love corn. Just not in anything and not touching anything. I know. It's weird.

I also am borderline bi-polar. I am mild enough that I do not need medication (yet) but I recognize that a lot of my emotional issues stem from this. The highs and lows. The irritability. The inability to handle this SAHM gig.....

I also suffer from the "super mommy" problem. I expect myself to be able to raise 3 kids, keep the house perfect, have dinner home made every night and still be dressed to kill when hubby gets home. AND want to have sex after having two babies pulling on me all day.

I have been struggling with depression for the past... while. I don't know if it is post partum depression or just a combination of lack of sleep and the crap we have gone through over the past few years. It is only lately that I have seen how bad it has been.

So, now, I can see the problems I am having. And I recognize the fact that if I make a plan to do something, a goal, and don't follow through it makes me very anxious. Very stressed and upset. I also hate to be late for anything. With 3 kids being late is an everyday occurrence.

I have decided that one thing that I can do for myself to deal with this is to start to set more realistic goals for myself. I am not perfect. My house will never be perfect. My kids will never be perfect. So, my first realistic goal... the tiny baby step to getting my life under control is to get my dishwasher loaded every night before I go to bed. No matter what shape the rest of the house is in, I will load the dishwasher. Have all dirty dishes in there or soaking in the sink. This is a goal that I know that I can accomplish. And that will make me feel better, to know that I accomplished a goal.

Another thing that I am going to start doing is an "I did" list instead of a "to do" list. I will still have to do lists but geared as long range lists instead of daily. This way I am not so overwhelmed that I cannot do ANYTHING. Which is what has been happening.

And I have promised myself that I will do something for myself each week. To help me remember who I am. And to help me feel good about myself.

So.... now I have to nurse the baby. And change the boy's diaper. And make cookies......

As the house tumbles....

And so go the hours of our days..... up in smoke. Or dust as the case may be. The past few days have just sort of faded into each other with a total lack of meaning. Lots of housework, lots of screaming babies and toddlers, lots of teenage angst and drama, lots of hubby working at work and not working at home. Same ol', Same ol'. With a few notable exceptions.....

I had another yard sale. I really, really, really want to get rid of all of this shit in my house. But, I seem to be unable to just throw it away or even give it away. I want to make some moola.... dinero.... cashola... clams... you know, the greenbacks!! (not wetbacks, silly!) So... the yard sale. It sucked. I sold hardly anything. Only made like $35. Last time I made over $125. I was hoping. Xmas money would be nice. But, now I still have all of this crap. So, now I have to decide.... hold onto it and try to have another sale after Xmas? Or give it away on Freecycle? Or eBay some of it? Or what??????

The baby is teething. It is pure slobbering, screaming, whining, clinging, spitting, chewing fun. He is working on his top two teeth. And they are sooooooo swollen. Poor baby. Any good suggestions to help with this are much appreciated!

The Boy went off of his schedule. So he is a brat of biblical proportions right now. Nuff said.

The Teen. She is..... not having a good day. She was supposed to be going to this Winter Formal at her school. My mom found her a dress. It looks beautiful. And we got shoes, etc. She was all ready to start getting dressed, doing makeup, etc when her friend called and told her the dance was cancelled. She is very disappointed. It would have been her first high school dance. I never went to any dances in high school. No proms, either. Not my scene. But she was excited! Now.... dreary days..... no dance... boo hoo...
Actually, she is OK about it now. She is trying to watch the boys for me so I can sit in here and type away for a bit.

My Xmas tree is half-dressed. have you ever seen a half-naked Xmas tree? It is pitiful. Poor thing. I need to get the rest of the ornaments on it. And make some cookies. We are planning to go to the zoo to see the Xmas light display there Sunday night. And Tuesday is a party for the MAP group. 28 families... lots of kids! Santa will be coming to bring the kids presents. And lots of yummy food and nice people. I haven't really gotten to know very many of the moms yet. I have a hard time getting close to people sometimes. I just don't make friends easily, never have. I always feel like the little girl sitting off by herself, separate from everyone, left out and ignored... sniff sniff... poor me.... JK... I usually have fun even if I haven't made any close friends yet. So... parties and cookies to come.

I will let y'all know whenever the tree finishes getting dressed!

More to come later on my many revelations and decisions this week regarding my mental health and stability.....

Future M.I.L.F Friday.... delayed

I would love to tell you a dramatic and edge of your seat story as to why there was a gap in the blogging here. But, the truth of the matter is that my life just got the better of me. I will post separately about some of the many wonderful things that have kept me busy this week. For now......

I am definitely a Future MILF. Emphasis on the FUTURE. I am not going to share my weight this week as I did not lose, I gained. It may have something to do with stress. Or maybe depression. Or it could be lack of energy and therefore a lack of exercise. Or maybe.... it was the half of a coconut cream pie that found it's way into mah belly. Or the snack cakes. Or the numerous Pepsi's. Nah. It was the stress.

Realistically I understand that I will probably not lose any weight this holiday season. This was probably the absolute worst time to try to start this. I would be happy with not gaining any more weight! My back hurts, my knees hurt and none of my clothes fit me right. It sucks. And it is depressing and upsetting. And demoralizing. I don't feel sexy in the slightest. Add that to the general lack of a sex drive right now and you get an unhappy husband. Not that he complains (he better not!) (LOL)..... but.... it makes me feel bad.

The steps in the right direction that I HAVE taken this week are:

1. Weaning myself off of caffeine. I am addicted. And the soda? It is a god. I don't like diet soda. So that leaves dropping soda altogether and drinking water. I like drinking water. But, being addicted to caffeine means awful headaches if I drop it cold turkey. So, I am down to 1 or 2 caffeinated drinks a day and doing OK. Next week..... no caffeine unless it is black coffee!

2. Joining a weight loss support group that is linked to my Meet and Play group here. I am hoping to be able to walk with somebody on a regular basis. And have some accountability to people I actually see.

So, there. I have made steps. I will do this. It just might take longer than I would like....

I won something! I am soooooo cool...

LOL. Thanks to Whitney over at thismomknows for the wonderful prize! I am the proud winner (randomly chosen lucky chick) of a $25 gift certificate to Duck Duck Goose an online children's boutique. Yay me! Now I just get to drool over all of the stuff that is way too expensive for me to get.... and decide what to spend my gift certificate on! The one thing I really like is THIS cause my boy is a rock star! But they have really great tees and toys as well. So..... we will see.

yeah, yeah, yeah

ok, so no poem this Monday. Cause I discovered that my creative juices? They done dried up. I have to slowly gear up for another attempt at a poem for next Monday. But, thanks to Kara from Grace Under Autism for the new name for our poetry day..... are you ready?

Monday's Muse

I like it. A lot. So there we go.

Akkkkk...... baby crying, toddler laughing. That does not sound good. More later....

Monday. Madcap Monday.

I stayed up late last night reading blogs. Catching up on some of those that I read regularly and discovering some new ones. I am constantly amazed at the talent shown by bloggers. The beauty of their writing astounds me. I try. I used to consider myself a writer. sigh. I am so out of touch with my creative side. And so dragged down and tired from being mom 24/7 that I am lucky to be able to string together a complete sentence. To have it make sense is a bonus. I won't even ask for it to be creative......

I am not saying this so people can go "o, tracy, you are too talented!" I know my own strengths and weaknesses. When I am rested and energized and actually have a brain in my head, I do have talent. What I lack is drive and ambition.

My 13 yo DD had completed her first draft of her first novel. Wow. I am so proud of her. And jealous, too, in some odd way. She has that drive that I do not have. And the ambition and talent and.... well. It definitely would not surprise me for her to be published before she is out of high school.

Back to blogs.....

The whole reason that I started this blog is to give myself an outlet for my feelings. And also to get back in the habit of writing. Reconnect the old synapses in the brain. Maybe spark some creativity and get the old juices going again. After reading so many fantastically talented women (and men) out there, I have decided that it is time to do more than just chat and rant. So, I think that Monday will be my day for writing. Poetry, stories, essays, whatever. Probably I will try to concentrate on poetry for now. As an easy introduction of my brain to my computer. hehe

I will post a new poem later this evening.... what shall I call our Mondays? Fridays are Future MILF Fridays. Mondays will be...... ??? Can you think of something? Maybe .... marvelous mondays or magical mondays or monstrous manic mondays..... let me know what you think.

Quick post because I want to share this. Check out this post on Oh, The Joys blog.
http://othejoys.blogspot.com/2007/12/power-of-stories.html#links

Then, check out amazon.com and try to resist helping out the little children... bet you can't do it. I know I can't.

The smell of my brain on fire....

I sat down last night after all of the dust had settled and reread some of my archives. This post in particular:

http://faeriecastle.blogspot.com/2007/11/smell-of-baby.html

It is always a good idea to slow down and remember why and how you love someone!

And yes, I did hang the curtain rod!

I will post more later after the kids are in bed!

not done

Ok. Not done yet. Speaking of being irritated. I just walked out into the livingroom and noticed my curtain STILL NOT HUNG! I have been asking DH to hang the stupid curtain rod since Thanksgiving. I cannot put up my curtains until he hangs the rod. And I cannot put up my xmas tree until I put up the curtains. Because. The. Tree. Goes. In. Front. Of. The. Curtains.

And I have a honey-do list that he has not gotten to for the past 3 weeks. He works hard but dammit so do I. And he should put up the damn curtain rod.

Screw it. I am going to go and put up the curtain rod. Then play blocks with the boy. And then maybe I will make xmas cookies and not cook dinner for DH. And then I will tell him that I was too busy hanging the curtain rod to cook him dinner. HA! So THERE!

Ok, just to give him his due, he works anywhere from 12 - 15 hours a day, 5 days a week. And he is no spring chicken, so on his days off he is tired. But, like my MIL says, "You don't get a day off, honey! Smack him!" hehe

Ok. Now I complained enough, I feel better. Back to the grind....

**sigh**

sssssssiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhhh................................

There are days. Days, I tell you, when the children cause my brain to leak from my ears. Where my hair is frazzled, my teeth are grinding and my last nerve is shredded. Mah mind is gone.........

Today is one of those days. It seems like every single thing the boys do is specifically geared to drive me insane and irritate me. As well as just slightly piss me off. And maybe make me cry. Nah... me heap big strong mama.... me no cry! Yeah, right.

I don't know. Maybe it is hormones. I haven't actually strarted my period back yet but I am still hormonal due to breastfeeding and just being a woman! Ha. DH is at work until 9:30 tonight. He left at 9 AM. DD is at a movie with friends. She had Saturday school today. So, she was home for about 2 hours this afternoon. Long enough to irritate me as I had to remind her four times to put away the dishes and take out the garbage for me. But, she did help watch the boys for a bit so that I could try to have a quick break before I started babbling like a loon.

It is almost 4:30. Do you think 5 PM is too early for bed??? LOL, jk. They are actually calmed down right now and not pulling on me or each other, not whining, not screaming, not throwing things.... be right back, I had better go check on them!

Ok..... all is well. It was too quiet though!

Have you ever just had one of those days where you question your decision to ever have children? I asked myself, "Self? What were you thinking?" and self answered, "Sex. I was thinking about sex with #1 and #2. #3 I just wanted a back rub. Talk to DH about him."

I love my children. I just need a break! LOL....

Hum drum ho hum

Sick kid. Sweet baby. High schooler making me feel old. Same ol same ol, yes?

The eldest went to a high school basketball game last night. Wow. I was not prepared for her to be doing all of "the high school things". And there is a winter formal next weekend and she wants to go. AHHHHH!!!! No way. There is no way that my baby is old enough for all of this!

Anyway, I have to find her a dress in the next week. Nice, not too formal, flattering to a larger girl, plus size. And one that she likes. heh. That is my challenge for the next week.

More later.

Future M.I.L.F Friday

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You'll have to excuse him, ladies, he is just a boob man.

So. Quite a day here. My middlest child had several melt downs. And found a marker and gave himself a pretty tattoo on his arm. All over his arm. With black marker. Hah. Just in time to go deliver xmas cards to a retirement home and sing songs. How nice. He is such a boy.

The baby made my day. He made me laugh. This morning he said "dada" when daddy went to get him out of bed which was pretty cool. he has been saying "mama" for a while now. And then.... I was sitting in the rocker and he was standing at my knees pulling on me and trying to get to me. He was ready to nurse. So I told him just a minute and was trying to finish something and he looked up at me and said..................................................... are you ready? ............... he said "Boob". hahahahahahaha I shit you not. It was too freakin' funny. I laughed until I almost peed my pants. And then picked him up. And gave him what he asked for....

And just so you don't think it was some random word choice on his part.... tonight he crawled around after me for about ten minutes chasing me around the house, pulling on my pants and saying "boob. boob. boob. boob." hehehe haha heeeheee

he's a boob man alright.

OCD

So I had a slightly stressful day. And evening. Not as bad as the last few but still... I was trying to not get grumpy. All the kids went to bed and hubby is not home yet. And I was cleaning the livingroom. And I was sitting on the floor and kinda ... humming... under my breath and realized... I was sorting the boys toys into seperate categories and arranging them by size and type.

And I wonder where the boy gets it from?

Boob Ninjas Unite!

Ok. I am so totally not a breast feeding nazi (bad word choice maybe). I support every mother's right to choose how she feeds her baby. But, I also acknowledge that the breast is best. I am still breastfeeding my 8 month old. And, despite the teeth, mostly still enjoying it and feeling good about my decision. There has been a lot of recent controversy regarding breast feeding in public. My baby eats when he is hungry. Walking down the aisle in Walmart, sitting in a restaurant, at the park, wherever. I generally will cover up with a blanket. Not because I am ashamed, but because I choose not to make people uncomfortable. It is a regrettable fact of life in America that some people find the natural act of breast feeding a baby makes them uncomfortable. Fine. I respect your feelings. But, if I do not have a blankie and my baby needs to eat... I am feeding him regardless. And I am not going to go into a filthy public restroom to do so. Do YOU want to eat in a bathroom? I didn't think so.

Take a look at the videos posted here of breast feeding. The League of Maternal Justice and the Boob Ninjas did a great job responding to the Facebook and Applebees issues. If I had any video of baby boy chowing down I would so totally put it up here and on You Tube. No doubt.

So... that was my mini rant for the day. More later....

MIA? No, just POC

POC of course meaning Prisoner of Children. Yes, my children have held me prisoner and not allowed me to blog.

Actually, I just suck. Sorry.

My to do list is a mile and a half long. On the good side, I made some xmas money at a yard sale this weekend. And plan on trying to make some more this coming up weekend. And trying to ebay some of my junk as well. If it gets it OUT OF MY HOUSe and makes me some money too then I am ahead of the game. I am tired of having TOO MUCH JUNK.

So, xmas lists are made for the kids. I need to make shopping lists and decide for sure what I am getting for who. I need to finish the xmas letter and get cards ready to go out before this weekend. (I usually try to get them out right after Thanksgiving. I am SLOW this year.) I need to start with the baking and crafting, etc. I love xmas.

The boys have been hilarious over the last week or so. I will post seperately about there funniness when they let me. Right now, eldest boy is trying to eat my soul with his FOURTH shitty diaper of the day. And youngest boy is trying to make me feel like a big meanie mommy for daring to put him down when he really wanted to be held. So.... off to the trenches. Now... where did I put my gas mask???