Well, maybe not PMS. I haven't had a period since I got pregnant with Malachai... and he turned 2 in March! I love my IUD. BUT, I am definitely overly emotional lately. And irritable. Yesterday being a prime example.
While I love my husband, I do not always like him. And I sometimes want to bludgeon him with a large, heavy instrument of ... bludgeoning. Hell, sometimes I want to bludgeon him with a large, SHARP instrument! I knew what he was like when I married him. Damn, I knew what he was like when we got pregnant. And when we shacked up together. Why would I think he might change? Maybe because I have? And because we should all adapt to circumstances? And be partners in this marriage? Support each other in the face of overwhelming parenting hardships? Keep a united front against the enemy.... erm.... I mean our kids?
Yesterday was one of Steven's days off. He works really hard. I mean, 12 - 16 hour days five days a week. As a chef. In a hot kitchen, on his feet. I know it is tiring. I think I am very understanding. I generally let him sleep in and expect very little from him in the way of help around the house. But, I do expect a little something from him! Take the garbage out, mow the yard when it needs it so I do not have to try to juggle the kids and a mower, hang things up on the walls for me, change diapers when he is home, spend some time with the kids... maybe take them out to play or at least keep an eye on them so that I can get things done when he is home!! Instead, he usually spends most of his days off sleeping, on the computer, sitting on the couch watching TV, etc. He only does things if I ask directly and then I end up with a sighing attitude like I am interrupting something important rather than the 100th rerun of a show he has seen before.
I get tired of it.
I get tired of having to ask for help. Or ask him to spend time with HIS children. Or, for god's sake, pay a little attention to me.
The thing with Steven is that he really does not care if the house is clean. He would not care if I never cleaner or cooked or washed clothes. As long as he has what he needs when he needs it, the rest does not matter. So, he sees all that I do around the house as unnecessary I guess. So, when I spend a day cleaning and cooking, he does not even notice. He says nothing. I cook his favorite meal for him and get no thanks.
He does not read my blog. He does not read any of the articles that I write unless I specifically ask him to. He does not care. There is no support there. At all.
Sometimes I wonder why he married me if he thinks so little of me. If I did not tell him about my day, he would never ask. He would never ask about the kids either. I wonder how long I could go telling him nothing before he noticed and bothered to ask?
Yesterday I had had it. And I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He was shocked and asked me if I did. I said no but that it seemed like he didn't really want a wife and kids. Then I walked outside to smoke. He ended up coming out to watch the kids for a bit after that. I really think the man is just clueless.
I try not to fight with him. I have a very bad temper and I know that I would say or do things that I might regret if I talked to him while upset. But, something has to give. I need some support and appreciation occasionally. I need him to treat me as a partner and not just his roommate that he sleeps with. I need him to realize that I need more. And, dammit, I need a break sometimes. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with the WIngmen of Mayhem has left me exhausted in every possible way that there is.......
Maybe it is time to have a long talk about what his and my expectations of each other are. I am not willing to let this go and let my marriage slide into mediocrity. I am not willing to lose why we love each other and why we are together because we are exhausted.