Saturday, March 8, 2008

Melancholy

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. When I was little I had "friends". People I enjoyed being around. I always had one or two that were close and several others that I was friendly with but... you know. Not Best Friends. When I was small I got along with just about everyone. As I got older it became harder for me to make real friends. I drew into myself and was very different from other people. I read a lot and wrote poetry and enjoyed things like Dungeons and Dragons. I never felt that I "fit in" with many of the other kids my age. It got really bad in Middle School. When I went to seventh grade I discovered that I was just different. I was not really interested in things like makeup and clothes. I didn't really pay attention to the "cool" things. We were not rich by any means. My parents took good care of us but there wasn't a lot of money for extras. And that made me feel different as well.

I made some friends who were also of the "different" variety. And I made one really good friend. She became my "Best Friend". The one who knew everything about me. Who knew WHO I WAS. The real me, deep down inside, that no one else knew about or really even cared about. She was the one that I wrote notes to and got into trouble with. The one that I told everything to and shared with. Like my first kiss. And my first slow dance with a boy.

We went to High School. And we had every class together. We made notebooks full of notes. We would write pages to each other and then pass the notebook to the other. And then she would write pages. We dealt with boyfriends and rumors. A friend who tried to commit suicide. A friend who got drunk at a party and into major trouble. We got drunk together. We learned to drive together. She was the first one I told when I lost my virginity. And vice versa. We went to a dual enrollment college together in our Junior year. And she excelled. She rocked it, yo. She graduated high school and got a two year degree in zoo animal tech on the same day.

During these two years, I lost myself. I met new people and went a different path. I almost didn't graduate high school. Too many boys. And also drugs. And not enough of me.

When I got pregnant at 19, she was there to share it with me as much as possible. I named my daughter after her.

She moved away to another city. And went on with her life. Becoming a strong person with new friends and new experiences that I had not shared with her. We grew apart to some extent.

But we were still great friends.

For 15 years we were friends.

And then, one day, she decided that some parts of my life were not things that she agreed with. And she made a moral judgment. And decided that, rather than give me space and tell me she could not be a part of it that she would just tell me I was wrong and leave and never come back. I don't blame her at all for feeling the way that she did. In fact, the relationship in question ended about a month after she stopped talking to me. Because I listened to what she had to say and realized she was right.

But, that didn't matter to her. She just decided we weren't going to be friends anymore. And, of course, I tried to get in touch with her. But she just was not interested I guess. She had moved on. And 15 years were gone. Poof. Not important to her. That makes me sad. I still remember staying up all night and giggling. And playing games. And sharing stories and experiences. And I still have some of our notes.

I have not talked to her in at least 5 years. I got one little message on MySpace that at least acknowledged the birth of my 2nd child. And nothing else. And that hurts me heart.

All of this to say that I miss her.

And I miss having a "Best Friend". A girlfriend to share things with who truly gets me and who I am.

Friends are important. They shape who we are. And they shape our past, present and future. I miss having that inclusion. That knowing that there is someone to share with.

I love my husband. He is my friend. But he is not a woman and will never truly understand what things are like for me. No man can.

I have met many great women since I moved here to MS. I like a great many of them. But I have not met anyone, yet, who is that "friend". I have my friends from FL. But it is hard to stay close when you live so far apart and your lives are so very different. It makes it difficult to connect sometimes. I value the friends I have made through this blog as well. But blogs can't give you hugs when you need it! LOL

In the end, I think it is very important for women to have friends. Friends outside of their families. Women who can keep them level and sane. Women to go share a crazy night with sometimes.

Remember to keep your friends close. Keep that connection alive. When it ends.... it is sad. It breaks a little piece of your heart. And it never really recovers. Appreciate your friends today! Let them know that you love them.

9 comments:

InTheFastLane said...

It is hard to hold onto friendships through all of life's changes. I have a few that I still mourn for.

The Not So Simple Things In Life said...

I really wish I could say that I know what your talking about but...I am 31 yrs old and have never once had a best friend. I have no friends, I live in my own little world. Friends come and go and I don't think I would ever want to experience what you have so I prefer to be friendless! Thank god I have my sister(fried porkchop) because without her I would have absolutely no one other than hubby!

Jen said...

I'll be your friend, Mommy!
XOXOXOXOXO
-Your Baby Girl

peach said...

the few true friends I ever had are either dead or have chosen to not be my friend for one reason or another. I have my husband and my kids and with the kids it is hard since they are growing up and struggleing with the division that comes when you grow up and prepare to leave your parents home.
If it were not for blogging and having the closed blog to vent things i would share with a BF I would probably want to crawl into a hole and die ... but thankfully there are some really great HONEST open people blogging out here and the longer i seek and find the more more convinced i am that I am NOT alone.
Love your post.. its true!
not so simple things in life... you are so lucky to have a sister that you can be close to... I have one full sister 17 years younger than I and we can not relate at all to each other... of course there are alot of details that makes it like this ... i am happy you have that! it is special.

Jaylana said...

Aw, honey - I hadn't wanted to ask...and I'm sad to know that rift seems unapproachable. Doesn't much matter that she and I never really got along - she loved you and that's all that mattered in the end.

I saw some of those dark days, maybe walked side by side on some of those, and on others I just hoped you'd get your head out of your ass and come back to us.

Don't regret the life you've lived. No matter how ugly some of those spaces are, they are the things that make us WHO we are. I know that without my life, my history, I would not be the person I am. I rather like the person you are these days. I'm pretty damned proud of her - your job is the hardest one on the planet. You do a great job of it - I gave up on the at home mom thing after 5 years and 3 kids...it was time to get out of the house.

Anyway - all that rambling to say, I love you. We can't make other people's choices, only our own. Just know that her presence in your life has had a lasting impression. That, in and of itself, is something to cherish.

Pioneering in PA said...

I have had 4 best friends in the course of my life. Two I have recently gotten back in touch with, and have been visiting with them. One is a lost cause, and she was my best friend for the longest. I can't relate with her anymore, and I don't approve of the life that she leads. So I guess in a way I am that friend that called it quits on you, although I still talk to her when she is around. Things will never be the same though, time has built way too many unpassable bridges between us.

The fourth, we have a thing our own. The only thing is, I'm not sure she holds our friendship in the same manner that I do, and it's frustrating. I'm always going the extra mile to call, or drop by, and she makes promises and breaks them. As far as friends, she's the one I relate to the most, and really wish that she would get a heads up and be on the same page.

And my sister? We get along pretty well. We have a younger sister, and neither of us really clicks with her, so we stick together. Although sometimes, I'd like to kick her in the behind for being so unorganized. :)

Blog or no blog, I confessed that I love you the other night. Remember? When you told me you found my truffle eggs??

Jessica said...

It is hard being a mother and wife and keeping active friendships. When Mr. Bum and I got married I had a close friend that knew me in and out. I try to stay close to her but it is hard.

I have to say that I disagree with the decision your friend made. If you love someone and disagree with something they are doing, it is your responsibility to share that with them and be there for them.

This may be a bad example but once in our church a lady started coming that was having an affair with a married man. Everyone welcomed her and loved her but when she shared her problem and seeked guidance from others they never tiptoed around the fact that it was wrong what she did but loved her and tried to help her change. When she had trouble stopping she was still loved. No one chastised her but was very open with their opinion and continued to love her and try to help her stop the wrong.

Our church was shunned a little by other churches because they felt we shouldn't allow her to sing in the choir etc because of the affair. How can anyone change their destructive path without love and support.

Your friend should never have abandoned you.

I'm here for you.

Nana The Nana said...

I wish I had some magic words to "make it all better" like I used to do with a few kisses. I also never had to many real friends. Lots of people who are a part of your life but not real friends. I have a few now. Every experience in your life is an etching on your soul. Never give up trying to find a "friend" and just keep in touch with the ones you now have. You know I am here for you. I love you..

Lesley said...

Wowsers this was a very thought provoking powerful post!
We moved around a lot growing up - Dad was in the army - so I never had a bestie until we moved to Calgary - and stayed put.
My husband is definitely my best friend - he is my partner in life - but he's not a woman.
So when it comes to females Tina is my bestie. We've been through boyfriends, babies, weight gain, heartbreaks, pimples, and everything else under the moon together.
She doesn't live in the same city anymore but we talk a lot on the phone and I know she's reading my blog and checking on her boys :o)
We moved to a new neighbourhood 5 years ago and it was so hard trying to make friends. I encountered a lot of mom's on cell phones at the park who obviously didn't want to make small talk and it's very discouraging.
I'm really thankful for the friendships I have.