Melancholy

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. When I was little I had "friends". People I enjoyed being around. I always had one or two that were close and several others that I was friendly with but... you know. Not Best Friends. When I was small I got along with just about everyone. As I got older it became harder for me to make real friends. I drew into myself and was very different from other people. I read a lot and wrote poetry and enjoyed things like Dungeons and Dragons. I never felt that I "fit in" with many of the other kids my age. It got really bad in Middle School. When I went to seventh grade I discovered that I was just different. I was not really interested in things like makeup and clothes. I didn't really pay attention to the "cool" things. We were not rich by any means. My parents took good care of us but there wasn't a lot of money for extras. And that made me feel different as well.

I made some friends who were also of the "different" variety. And I made one really good friend. She became my "Best Friend". The one who knew everything about me. Who knew WHO I WAS. The real me, deep down inside, that no one else knew about or really even cared about. She was the one that I wrote notes to and got into trouble with. The one that I told everything to and shared with. Like my first kiss. And my first slow dance with a boy.

We went to High School. And we had every class together. We made notebooks full of notes. We would write pages to each other and then pass the notebook to the other. And then she would write pages. We dealt with boyfriends and rumors. A friend who tried to commit suicide. A friend who got drunk at a party and into major trouble. We got drunk together. We learned to drive together. She was the first one I told when I lost my virginity. And vice versa. We went to a dual enrollment college together in our Junior year. And she excelled. She rocked it, yo. She graduated high school and got a two year degree in zoo animal tech on the same day.

During these two years, I lost myself. I met new people and went a different path. I almost didn't graduate high school. Too many boys. And also drugs. And not enough of me.

When I got pregnant at 19, she was there to share it with me as much as possible. I named my daughter after her.

She moved away to another city. And went on with her life. Becoming a strong person with new friends and new experiences that I had not shared with her. We grew apart to some extent.

But we were still great friends.

For 15 years we were friends.

And then, one day, she decided that some parts of my life were not things that she agreed with. And she made a moral judgment. And decided that, rather than give me space and tell me she could not be a part of it that she would just tell me I was wrong and leave and never come back. I don't blame her at all for feeling the way that she did. In fact, the relationship in question ended about a month after she stopped talking to me. Because I listened to what she had to say and realized she was right.

But, that didn't matter to her. She just decided we weren't going to be friends anymore. And, of course, I tried to get in touch with her. But she just was not interested I guess. She had moved on. And 15 years were gone. Poof. Not important to her. That makes me sad. I still remember staying up all night and giggling. And playing games. And sharing stories and experiences. And I still have some of our notes.

I have not talked to her in at least 5 years. I got one little message on MySpace that at least acknowledged the birth of my 2nd child. And nothing else. And that hurts me heart.

All of this to say that I miss her.

And I miss having a "Best Friend". A girlfriend to share things with who truly gets me and who I am.

Friends are important. They shape who we are. And they shape our past, present and future. I miss having that inclusion. That knowing that there is someone to share with.

I love my husband. He is my friend. But he is not a woman and will never truly understand what things are like for me. No man can.

I have met many great women since I moved here to MS. I like a great many of them. But I have not met anyone, yet, who is that "friend". I have my friends from FL. But it is hard to stay close when you live so far apart and your lives are so very different. It makes it difficult to connect sometimes. I value the friends I have made through this blog as well. But blogs can't give you hugs when you need it! LOL

In the end, I think it is very important for women to have friends. Friends outside of their families. Women who can keep them level and sane. Women to go share a crazy night with sometimes.

Remember to keep your friends close. Keep that connection alive. When it ends.... it is sad. It breaks a little piece of your heart. And it never really recovers. Appreciate your friends today! Let them know that you love them.