Saturday, September 6, 2008
I have had a bit of a rough day today. I have been struggling with a lot of anger and resentment for most of the day. My stomach is tied in knots and I don't feel well as a result. I know I have mentioned in the past that I have a bad temper. I just cannot seem to work through it today. And TRYING not to take it out on the kids is making me tense and even more irritable. Everything is bugging me. The messes, the laziness, the disrespect, the feeling that I am nothing but a servant in my own home, the lack of empathy on the part of my husband, the stupid shit that I do that makes it all worse... and my damn computer!
There is not one particular thing that I can pinpoint. I know that it is mostly a combination of being cooped up in the house with children and no adult conversation.... and some basic resentment of certain people who get to sleep in and then leave the house and stay away for a long time. Even if it is work.... at least it is around adults! I know I "should" be spending my days reveling in the joy of motherhood and the wonders of raising children. But, honestly, there are days when I could easily run away and not come home for a month. I think I am just tired and overwhelmed by everything that I have to do every day.
It's easy to say that I need to take a break and do something for myself. It is not as easy to actually do that. Lack of money and lack of me time leads to a basic lack of any ability to get away from this house and these kids. I love my children. I would never hurt any of them... but sometimes it is all I can do to handle the anger and frustration. The need to DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Anything that does not involve poop, slobber, dirty dishes or scrubbing floors.
I want to be that woman in a sharp suit leading a high powered meeting and going to lunches in fancy restaurants. I want to be that woman who follows her dreams and becomes a best selling author. I want to be that woman who travels the world meeting interesting people and having sex with strangers in exotic paces. I want to be that woman who runs her own business, who has designer clothes, who can go get her nails done or her hair done whenever it needs it instead of when she can afford it. I want to be that woman with a maid to clean up after her and a nanny to take care of the kids when they are too much. I want to be that woman with a perfect house, a perfect family and a perfect life.
And then I realize..... every one of those women is probably making a list of the women that they would rather be. Very few women (or men) are completely satisfied with their lives. Very few people don't have dreams and wishes and needs and desires that are sitting on a shelf waiting to be taken down and acknowledged.
And really, many women would give their left nut (if they had one) to be in my place. Instead of where they are.
So, while my anger still simmers, I am not consumed. I just need to get some rest.
And remember that the choices we make are sometimes dictated by necessity. And the future is never set in stone.
I will survive and I will do a great job at whatever my job is. And one day..... I will be exactly the woman that I want to be. Instead of the woman I need to be for now.