I read a lot of different blogs. And I catch little glimpses into other peoples lives. I am not naive enough to think that what I read is exactly what their lives are really like. I know that what we read in blogs is generally filtered and rewritten to some extent. Even the sad, horrible stories are not all of the truth. In general. I try to be very open and truthful in my blog. Since it is, mostly, for me and only secondly for whoever happens to read it. I write about my life, usually, to help me see it clearer.
So, on that note, I have a subject that has been bothering me quite a bit lately.
Happiness. How to be happy. To enjoy your life. To revel in the everydayness of it. Without falling into the "survival" mode where you go day to day just trying to make it to the next.
That's where I am right now, I think.
Of course, I have my moments. Those shining, glorious moments of pure happiness and joy. They usually revolve around my children or my husband.
Which leads me to wonder. How do I find happiness for myself. And fulfillment for myself that does not revolve around my children and my husband? I mean, OK. I am a wife and mother. That is the majority of my life. And that does fulfill me and make me happy up to a certain point.
But I feel like something is missing. Something just for me. Something to make me get up in the morning and be happy to start my day and not dreading 12 diaper changes and a grumpy teen and husband. Something to give me a purpose beyond just being mommy.
Maybe this is something that I will just have to put on hold. So much of my life right now is tied up in "being mommy". I really don't see room for much else, right now. But.... what about in 4 years? When both boys are in school, the girl is in college and it is just me during the day? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to be when I grow up?
I have a Business Degree. A bachelors. And I also have most of my masters. I only have 5 classes left to finish it. But, wow, is that what I want to be? A business person all dressed up in suits and dealing with other people's money all day? Really? No. I don't think so.
The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what I do want to do. I have absolutely no idea what will make me happy. Now OR in the future.
I go from day to day trying to raise my children and do a good job at this whole "housewife" gig. I try to do things to make my children happy. And to make my husband happy. So, what can I do to make MYSELF happy?? well, that's the big question, isn't it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not UNhappy by any means. I mean, like everybody, I have my days. I have my weeks even. Of days when I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. Where if I have to change another diaper I may just kill myself. (JK) But, overall, I am very happy with my life, with my children, with my husband, with my choices. But.... not too happy with myself.
I think that that is what it all boils down to for me right now. I am not happy with myself. With the way I look, with the way I act sometimes and in general just with myself. And it is impossible to be happy with your situation if you are not happy with yourself.
So, in the first step towards making myself happier with who I am... I am really going to start buckling down with the weight loss. If I lose weight, I will be healthier and happier. Is it a cure all? Of course not. There are tons of skinny women out there who are unhappy. But, but, but... it is a first step. And I need to really start trying to take time for myself. When I am not worrying about the children or the house or my husband. When I am just doing what I want to do.
Any suggestions on how to get to my happy place?