Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Numb



The past week has been unbearably mind-numbingly boring. And I am on the downside of my life. I am feeling numb and cold and barren and just downright blah. I struggle in the day to day grind of changing diapers and fighting the behaviors of the middle child, breaking up fights and trying to cook, clean and be a "housewife" who gives a shit. I struggle to get out of bed and face the day.... without a grimace and a groan. I struggle to get off my ass and accomplish anything worthwhile in my house. I stretch my mind to try to think any thoughts that are outside of my tiny little world. And I crumble back down like a used tissue. My mind is empty. My heart is dim and my soul is sleeping.

The bright spots of goodness and of despair:

The Boy turned three on Saturday.
The Girl started tenth grade on Monday.
The van decided that it did not need working brakes. In the middle of a 2 hour drive to Jackson. In the rain. (All is well.)
The Boy had a new psych evaluation that was absolutely worthless. They did the same tests on him they have done 5 times in the past year with the same damn results. And still no answers to our sleep issues.
The computer is working!
My back hurts.
I started exercising again.
My husband and I are speaking. AND having sex. Imagine that.
$400 to fix the brakes.

So now I just need to find a way to catch up on my sleep and wake the fuck up. My life is passing me by and I am just watching it and not even caring. My children get older and grow up and I have no idea what I am doing.

I need.... something. Something to wake me up. Something to make me care. Something to inspire and drive me. Something to give me some ambition and drive and a reason to get my ass moving.

Now I just need to figure out what my something is.....

11 comments:

Laura ~Peach~ said...

damn it man you described me in a nut shell!
hugs laura

Junebug said...

Followed you from Lotus' comments. You know what? I was thinking something very similar to this yesterday and today. This cycles with me, I guess. I'm 51 this year and I was thinking about posting what do you do when you are tired and feel like doing nothing with your life? Sometimes I feel no motivation. But I will say at least this too will pass...do you know what I mean?

Dragonfly Dreaming said...

It sounds like a lot of us are in this funk.

comfortandjoy said...

I think Claudia's right...everyone seems to be feeling this way.

My life is supposed to be just starting and I sit here wondering what the point is.

Wishing you inspiration and the awe in a moment,

CJ

Unka Paul said...

MY ONLY ADVICE IS GO OUT AND KILL A MIME. IT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. OR PLAY W/ THE BOYS AT A TOYS R US, TRY NOT TO GET THROWN OUT.

Connie Carpenter Macko said...

When you figure out what the "fix" is... be sure to let us know! * I'm thinking that reminding myself to get off my a$$ and that there are only so many "snow-less" days left before winter isn't gonna do it. So I should quit thinking about it. * YOU ARE NOT ALONE! * Pip, pip, cheerios!

asthmagirl said...

I think a lot of people have "moments" like this. The important thing to remember is that there's still great stuff inside you. It's just sleeping.

Be well!

Anonymous said...

SORRY YOUR NOT FEELING LIKE YOUR GIIDY OL' SELF. I CAN RELATE (SORT OF). WE ALL GO THROUGH OUR TOUGH TIMES, BUT YOU HAVE 3 REASONS TO BE HAPPY EVERY DAY. 4 IF YOU COUNT STEVEN. BTW CHELL GAVE ME YOUR HOME PH# AND I GET A MESSAGE (# IS NOT IN USE).??? WTF. SEND ME A REPLY ON MY MYSPACE PAGE W/ SOME ANSWERS.
HUGGS
~P

Lesley said...

Glad you're back! Have totally missed your day to day blogging.

I think everyone gets in these slumps from time to time.

Going to Toys r Us and trying not to get kicked out was great advice from Unka Paul!

My advice would be to have lots of sex. It's fun, it burns calories and makes us feel good :o)

Chelle said...

Paulie is right... you have lots of reasons. But the biggest reason is for yourself. You are a strong, beautiful individual. You are a wonderful mother... even if you don't feel like it at times and you are an awesome friend! I wish I could be there to hold a mirror up in front of your face.... You mean so much to so many people. This will pass. Just remember how much you are loved and needed! XO

Pioneering in PA said...

Wth. I leave the blogging world for 3 freakin' months 'cuz good weather arrived, and I had to start work... and look at what you done did..

you took over my woe is me attitude. I feel for ya.

Go out, have some me time, try not to think about the millions of things that you have to do, or that are going wrong. Think about enjoying the time that you have on earth, and remember not to waste a single moment!

P.S.-

I bought a Wii Fit, and it encouraged me to change my naughty ways. Between exercise, dropping ALL soda, limiting sweets to self rewards, and cutting back on portion sizes..

(drumroll)

I'm down 15 lbs. in less than a month! YAY ME!