There are times when I feel like a total fraud. I talk about my son and his issues and I am so overwhelmed at times that I am just not sure how to handle everything. And then I see a child who is so much worse either behaviorally or physically and I feel like a fraud. Who am I to complain about my sons tantrums or aversions or obsessions? At least he can walk and feed himself. At least his brain functions and he is smart and will get through his issues and not be dealing with the majority of them for his entire life. A mother who is part of a playgroup with me emailed me the other day to see how I was. One of the things she said was that those of us with high needs children have to stick together and help one another. And I felt like a complete fraud. My child is not THAT BAD.
So then, that begs the question, how bad is THAT bad? When does a child become "high needs" and when is he just a spoiled brat? When do I admit that I have a special needs child? AM I in denial or is he already there? I have no clue. I do know that having someone understand why I hesitate to go on play dates or have anyone over to the house is a real help. At least I know I am not alone.
I am struggling right now with deciding whether The Boy needs a diagnosis or a label. Whether it would benefit him or hurt him in the long run. Whether he is really a special needs child in more than just speech or if he is just highly gifted with a brain that works a little different and maybe a few extra quirks to make life interesting.
There are days that all I want to do is run away. When I am absolutely positive that I cannot take another tantrum or food issue or sleepless night. When I know that someone else could handle all of this so much better than I am. When I feel that I am doing all that I can possibly do and it is still not enough.
And then there are days when I look at that sweet face and know..... that he is special in all of the most important ways. He is my special, sweet, smart, wonderful child. And whatever comes in the future.... we will handle together.
So. My "special needs" or "high needs" child is just right for me. I could not imagine life without him. Now I have to take one step at a time and find what is right for us. What is right for HIM. And make sure that I "mama bear" it into happening.....