One of THOSE Weeks

It's been one of those weeks so far. Nothing is going according to plan. I am down with a cold, the kids are too, and now Steven feels cruddy. I am tired and cranky and just want to curl up in a ball and whine.

With the best of intentions.... this blog is not a priority for me right now. *sigh*

I have so much to do to get myself to where I want to be. And that first step is a doozy...

Stay tuned.....

Stuff and Things

Steven started a new job at the local University about a month ago. He really is not happy there. And then he got a job offer from a restaurant making the same $$ with more hours. So I think he will be changing jobs again soon. *sigh* Stress makes my world go 'round.

Jenna and Nate (J's BF) seem to be getting along well and Nate has interviews scheduled for this week. He will, hopefully, have a job soon. And then they can start looking for their own place sometime after Christmas probably. It will be weird having Jenna not in the house... but good to see her starting her life as a grown up! She is a sophomore this year and school seems to be going well too. But you know how it is once the kids start growing up... parents don't always know what is going on with them any more! Just keeping my fingers crossed.

Both boys are happy in school and glad to be there. They like the routine. And I like the break. I was ready for one.

I am still grieving for Mom. And the anniversary of Dad's death is this month. So I am struggling a bit. Days go by with me not even thinking about it. And then something happens and I get smacked upside the head again. My birthday was the 28th of August and it was.... difficult. I will be very happy when this year is over and done with. Maybe 2013 will be a better, easier year for me.

I am looking forward to moving back to Florida next Summer. I have been wanting to move back for years. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I need to be connected again.

The next ten months or so will consist of me trying to purge and consolidate all of the crap in our house. Moving is never any fun, but moving across states is majorly no fun. I need this move to go smoothly. So, I am in the process right now of trying to catalogue all of our thousands of movies. Then we will put them in soft sided CD cases, the ones that hold about 500, ya' know? And get rid of the individual hard cases. Much easier, and less cumbersome, to move. After that it is time to hit the library. Go through the books, separate Jenna's and Nate's out. Get rid of texts and computer reference books that are too old to be worthwhile. Get rid of books that I will never read again. And then try to catalogue the books.  So. Much. Fun.

Anyone want to come help????

I am addicted to Pinterest and if anyone needs an invite let me know. I am planning to start doing crafts/ sewing again soon and will attempt to show off my work when completed. Pinterest has inspired me!

I have more to share... plans for losing weight, plans for diet and health changes, plans for the kids.... but i am going to try to get back to blogging regularly. So you can come back again tomorrow to read more. LOL

And still....

I Grieve
Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago 
It was all so different then 
There's nothing yet has really sunk in 
Looks like it always did 
This flesh and bone 
It's just the way that you would tied in 
Now there's no-one home 

I grieve for you 
You leave me 
'so hard to move on 
Still loving what's gone 
They say life carries on 
Carries on and on and on and on 

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page 
While the final rattle rocks it's empty empty cage 
And i can't handle this 

I grieve for you 
You leave me 
Let it out and move on 
Missing what's gone 
They say life carries on 
They say life carries on and on and on 

Life carries on 
In the people i meet 
In everyone that's out on the street 
In all the dogs and cats 
In the flies and rats 
In the rot and the rust 
In the ashes and the dust 
Life carries on and on and on and on 
Life carries on and on and on 

It's just the car that we ride in 
A home we reside in 
The face that we hide in 
The way we are tied in 
And life carries on and on and on and on 
Life carries on and on and on 

Did I dream this belief? 
Or did i believe this dream? 
Now i can find relief 
I grieve

Life in Flux

Steven quit his job. Braeden is being tested for the gifted program. Malachai is being tested by the school district for placement next year when he starts kindergarten due to his ADHD. Jenna's boyfriend will be home from the Army in less than 2 weeks and then they will be working towards moving into an apartment together.

I am just trying to stay level and calm through all of the changes and the roller coaster ride of my emotions.

I am still grieving every day.

It's times like these that I really want my Mother. To talk to. To vent to. To tell me that everything will be alright.

It isn't really getting easier. I think I am just getting numb. Like when you hit the same spot over and over it eventually stops hurting so much. You scar. Is that what people mean when they say it gets easier? They also say time heals all wounds. But I can't picture this one healing.

Life goes on. That one I agree with. And I go on with it. Every day I act like everything is fine. I laugh at jokes, I listen to other people's problems, I take care of my children and try to take care of my man. I clean my house (sometimes).

And every day I try not to cry. I try not to holler and scream and throw things. Every day I wonder why I had to lose my Mom and I wish like hell I still had her here. Every day I remember something else that I wish I had said to her, that I wish I had done with her, that I wish I had done FOR her.

I am still grieving. And I try to just get through each day.

Light It Up Blue

You may notice that the blog is blue. It will be so from now until the end of April. We are lighting it up blue to raise autism awareness! Below is a letter that I will be mailing to the President and First Lady this week.  I wanted to share this here in the hopes that some of you, my faithful readers and dear friends, will also Light It Up Blue for Autism Awareness on April 2nd. Feel free to leave your lights blue for the entire month of April. Braeden loved the blue light so much last year that we never took it down at our house. He knows the light is there for him! Also, please feel free to wear blue on April 2nd. Share with everyone why you are doing so if they ask. Feel free to share a picture of your front porch with blue light on your blogs or on Facebook. And then direct anyone who asks about it to the Light It Up Blue website for more information. Or direct them here to ask questions. I am always willing to answer legitimate questions about autism and the spectrum. And about what it is like raising an autistic son. 

March 11, 2012

Barack and Michelle Obama

President and First Lady of the United States of America

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr and Mrs Obama,

I am addressing this letter to you directly rather than by title for a reason. Speaking to the President and First Lady there are numerous issues I could choose to discuss. I am a woman, so women’s rights and reproductive freedom are on my mind quite a bit lately. I am a bisexual so LGBT rights also mean a lot to me.  And of course there is always the economy.  But your time is precious and I am hoping my letter will not get shuffled in among the many others I am sure you receive daily. 

I am addressing this letter to you personally because I want to speak with you as one parent to another. You have two beautiful, intelligent and incredibly poised daughters. I am sure you are very proud of them and would do just about anything to make sure they grow up healthy and safe. As a Mother, I would also go to the line for my children. 

I have three beautiful children. I am writing to you today regarding one of them in particular.  His name is Braeden and that is his picture at the top of the letter. Braeden was diagnosed with autism in April of 2010 at the age of 4 1/2. This was no great surprise to us, it just took several years to get a doctor to listen to us and actually do an evaluation. While Braeden is on the high functioning end of the spectrum, he does have challenges every day. Therapy and intensive work have paid off in numerous ways. We are blessed to have this wonderful child. He makes every day special. 

I know you must be aware of the growing number of children being diagnosed with an ASD. 1 in 110 children is diagnosed as falling somewhere on the spectrum. Boys are four times as likely to be diagnosed.  As parents, this should scare you. It scares me. It scares me when I think of the fact that in a little more than 11 years my son will be an adult. He will be wanting to spread his wings and fly.  And the world is not ready for our children.  The world, and America, are not knowledgable about what autism is, how it affects those who are diagnosed and how they should be treated. The cruelty and ignorance that my child has faced and will face make me furious. 

April 2nd, as you know, is World Autism Awareness Day.  And the entire month of April is Autism Awareness Month.  This will be the third annual Light It Up Blue for Autism day this year.  We, as parents, hope that by changing our porch lights to a blue light we can help to bring awareness to our communities. We hope that someone will stop and ask us why the light is blue so that we can talk to them.  Initiating conversations, opening a dialogue, raising awareness and showing the world how dedicated we are to helping our children are all goals of this day. 

This year more than 350 public buildings have already committed to lighting up blue. These building and landmarks include Rockefeller Center, Top of the Rock Observation Deck and Madison Square Garden in New York City, Hôtel de Ville in Paris, France, the famous Tokyo Tower in Japan and Canada’s CN Tower, the Sydney Opera House in Australia and Michigan’s Mackinac Bridge. Parents across the globe are speaking with their local government officials, business owners, family and friends to request that they also Light it up Blue. In 2011 there were more than 2000 buildings and landmarks turned blue for AT LEAST the day. 

I am asking you, from one parent to another, what wouldn’t you do for your children? What if one of your girls was autistic? Think long and hard about the challenges faced by the parents of children with an ASD. Think about the adults and teenagers with an ASD who are watching the world to see who supports them. The special needs community is huge and growing every day. We are watching the world to see what changes can be made and who is willing to institute them. http://www.lightitupblue.org/Markslist/home.do has more information on the Light It Up Blue initiative.

I am asking you, as a parent, to consider lighting up your house blue on April 2, 2012. Light up the White House and make it blue for just one day. Light up the Washington Memorial, light up the numerous memorials, public buildings and facilities. Please show our children and our community that you care about us. Show the world that this community is not forgotten and is not second class.

I wish you both the best of luck and a happy healthy election year.

Sincerely yours,

Tracy DeLuca

faeriecastle@yahoo.com

Heartbroken

Any of my readers who are also friends with me on Facecrack already know that my Mother passed away. She was always after me to write in this blog more often. So, in memory of her and to help me work through my grief and get my life back on track  here it goes....

Sandra Lee Basel White

February 14, 1945 - December 29, 2011

A friend of my Mom's read the following at her Memorial Mass: 

Good morning. I am Patti T***r and I have had the privilege of working with Sandy the past 27 years. But I am not here just as a co-worker, because Sandy was so much more than that to me. When her family asked me to speak today, I started thinking of what Sandy would want to me tell you. 

The word FAMILY kept coming into my head. I think the most important thing to Sandy was FAMILY
•not just her natural family – her mother, sisters, children, and grandchildren
•but also her spiritual family here at this church which she loved
•her family at Curves who helped her stay physically active
•and her family at Waldo Community School of coworkers, students, parents, and grandparents.

Many of you know me and know that I come from a very small family, of which I am the only one left. Sandy and I had known each other for 11 years when my mother died, and I became a family of 1. Sandy never tried to “be my mom” at that time, but she definitely adopted me into her family. 
•She would invite me to family gatherings at times she knew it would be difficult for me to be alone. 
•She would let me moan, groan, and complain - and later forget I ever said anything.

•She would irritate me, I think sometimes on purpose - just so we could laugh about it later.
•She was always patient with me when I needed some distance, and she was loving when I needed a slap up side the head.
•She would remember my birthday and ALWAYS sing “Happy Birthday” to me.
•She would celebrate my successes and mourn my losses as if I was her daughter.

And that’s what family does
•they make you feel wanted,
•they comfort you,
•they make you laugh, 
•they make you cry, 
•they frustrate you, 
•they correct you, 
•they are patient with you, 
•they embrace you, 
•they just love you. 

Sandy was family – She truly comforted, corrected, embraced, and loved everyone in her many families. 

Some of my students drew pictures and wrote letters which I gave to the family on Wednesday. One young man was absent Wednesday, so he gave me his card late. He drew a picture of a heart with a circle in the middle.  When I first looked at it, I saw a hole – a place in all of our hearts where we miss Sandy. 

This morning when I looked at it, I saw it completely differently. I see it as a little piece of Sandy living our hearts. I believe Sandy will always be with us. And I think Sandy would want everyone to remember to look for those people we can embrace into our families as she did. And then love them as Sandy loved us.

What Patti wrote really speaks volumes about the type of woman my Mother was. She loved everyone. You can read a little but about her life HERE where I wrote about her before.


I am devestated. I feel as if a part of me is missing and it hurts tremendously. Every day I struggle to go through the motions, to get back to where I need to be with my life and my home. And every day I feel as if I am failing.


And then I remind myself that it has only been a month since I lost one of the most important and possibly the most influential person in my life. The pain will continue for a long time. I have to learn to embrace it and then move onward and upward each day. And eventually it will get easier. It's hard to believe that right now.


I tried to find a song to post that was one of her favorites. It sucked. I cried. I tried to find a song to describe how I am feeling. It sucked. I cried. I tried to write something that actually had some depth and used correct punctuation and grammar and expressed how I am feeling. It sucked. I cried.


And that's how life is going for me right now.