Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life in Flux

Steven quit his job. Braeden is being tested for the gifted program. Malachai is being tested by the school district for placement next year when he starts kindergarten due to his ADHD. Jenna's boyfriend will be home from the Army in less than 2 weeks and then they will be working towards moving into an apartment together.

I am just trying to stay level and calm through all of the changes and the roller coaster ride of my emotions.

I am still grieving every day.

It's times like these that I really want my Mother. To talk to. To vent to. To tell me that everything will be alright.

It isn't really getting easier. I think I am just getting numb. Like when you hit the same spot over and over it eventually stops hurting so much. You scar. Is that what people mean when they say it gets easier? They also say time heals all wounds. But I can't picture this one healing.

Life goes on. That one I agree with. And I go on with it. Every day I act like everything is fine. I laugh at jokes, I listen to other people's problems, I take care of my children and try to take care of my man. I clean my house (sometimes).

And every day I try not to cry. I try not to holler and scream and throw things. Every day I wonder why I had to lose my Mom and I wish like hell I still had her here. Every day I remember something else that I wish I had said to her, that I wish I had done with her, that I wish I had done FOR her.

I am still grieving. And I try to just get through each day.

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