Beyond Facebook: The return of the blogger

I know, I know, I know! I can't seem to get back in my groove. And when I do post it just seems to be depressing and morose and all those other words that mean you may want to stick your head in a meat grinder. Or at least a toilet.

So here I am again. With some more news about the eldest Wingman of Mayhem. And some more depressing shit. And some teary confessions. And maybe even some anger.

Feel free to hit the next blog on your list. If you keep reading.... thanks for being here. No promises about what the future holds for this blog. It has always been a way to share the news of my life with my family and also a journal to document what I am thinking and feeling. It is awesome when people read. I LURV comments. But lately I have been so damn depressed that it is all I can do to get off the couch and take care of my kids. The blog just did not seem like a realistic expectation of myself. Although it might have helped to get it all out.... who knows.

Anyway. Enough excuses and rambling. On with the meat.

Braeden's IEP went well. I wasn't 100% happy with the outcome but I feel like it is the best we can expect right now. It's like a little book mark. Holding his place until we see how he does.

He was placed in a self contained DD kindergarten. A SPED classroom.

There is one full time teacher and one full time aid. There are 10 other kids in the class. All of them are supposed to be at about the same level behaviorally. The more extreme behaviorally challenged children (is that PC? I don't want to offend anyone) are all in a separate class. The kids join the mainstream classes for specials like music and art.

He will receive two half hour sessions of speech therapy each week at school. The Occupational Therapist will consult with his teacher monthly to see if is progressing or needs to be further evaluated for OT. Same with behavioral therapy.

He is receiving two 45 minute sessions of speech therapy with a private speech pathologist after school. He is also receiving one one hour session of ABA therapy each week after school.

His first day of Kindergarten was weird. The school here has a staggered start schedule. All of the children with last names starting A to..... something go to school on Monday, and then then do not go back until Thursday. Some kids go Tuesday and then Thursday and some kids go Wednesday and then Thursday. Just for the first week.

So, he only had 2 other kids in class with him on Monday. He also screamed and fought when I left him. And the teacher told me later that he cried for quite some time but eventually calmed down. When I picked him up he told me he had had a good day but he "was no go back to that school". He was "too too scared" and he "wouldn't like it". *sigh*

I talked to his teacher on Wednesday and got to get to know her a little bit. I feel comfortable with her. She told me Braeden was smart and very sweet. Also very lovable. Nothing new to me! LOL

Thursday morning rolls around. I was anticipating a full scale meltdown. He got dressed in his uniform, loaded up in the van and proceeded to ask me for the entire drive to school "are we there yet?" The ENTIRE drive. When he saw the school he was excited. He went in and showed me his classroom. Then, he started to run to his teacher and hug her. He stopped and hid behind me. But it was encouraging! He had a great day Thursday. No tears.

Today was an even better day! He has not stopped talking about the book they read or the cupcakes they decorated. And he brought home several things they made in class. He was happy.

I was happy. So excited that he is happy about school!

So why did I spend half of this evening crying?

Why am I anxious and depressed and upset?

I finally admitted to my mother that it is because he is in a SPED class.

He is in a special education classroom.

He is not a typical child.

This will not go away.

He is autistic.

There is no magical cure. No pill. No wand waving.

I ran into a mother who had a child in preK with Braeden last year waiting to pick up her son yesterday. She asked what teacher Braeden had gotten. I told her and then had to explain that he was in the SPED class because she did not know the teacher.

I felt embarrassed! WHY???? Why should I feel embarrassed? It makes no sense! Braeden is an awesome kid. And it's not like she didn't already know he had issues....

I guess I had not really accepted everything yet. And now I have to. There is no ignoring it. There is no thinking it is a "phase" or that he will "outgrow" it.

Of course I know that things will get better with therapy. But I have to wrap my head around the fact that he will never be a typical child. No matter how hard he works and how much he improves. His brain will always work differently.

And on my good days I think that that is an awesome thing indeed. Now how to make the good days outweigh the bad?