Castles in the Sky

I am building castles in the sky today. Castles full of hopes and dreams and plans. Plans to get out of debt.Plans to be able to pay my bills without having to be a master of juggling. Plans to be able to hire a babysitter every now and then and have date night with my husband. Plans to be able to see my husband more and spend time as a family when he is not exhausted.

Steven had his first interview at a different restaurant yesterday. I won't share the name at this time but will say that it is a national chain. They have pretty much guaranteed him the position. Now he has to meet with the General Manager to discuss money. Then it is time for a decision. He says that he has been making his decisions in the past based upon what is best for him. But now he is making decisions based upon what is right for the family. Way to grow up! I just hope that this position will make him at least semi-happy while making us financially stable. I have always told him I did not care where he worked as long as he was happy and the bills were paid. But things have been pretty tight lately. I will be happy to be a little better financially. AND have more time with my husband! I have almost felt like I was married to a stranger for the past year or so. Time to get back to the basics.

So now, let's all cross our fingers that my castle in the sky is not blown away by the winds of reality.

Numb

The past week has been unbearably mind-numbingly boring. And I am on the downside of my life. I am feeling numb and cold and barren and just downright blah. I struggle in the day to day grind of changing diapers and fighting the behaviors of the middle child, breaking up fights and trying to cook, clean and be a "housewife" who gives a shit. I struggle to get out of bed and face the day.... without a grimace and a groan. I struggle to get off my ass and accomplish anything worthwhile in my house. I stretch my mind to try to think any thoughts that are outside of my tiny little world. And I crumble back down like a used tissue. My mind is empty. My heart is dim and my soul is sleeping.

The bright spots of goodness and of despair:

The Boy turned three on Saturday.
The Girl started tenth grade on Monday.
The van decided that it did not need working brakes. In the middle of a 2 hour drive to Jackson. In the rain. (All is well.)
The Boy had a new psych evaluation that was absolutely worthless. They did the same tests on him they have done 5 times in the past year with the same damn results. And still no answers to our sleep issues.
The computer is working!
My back hurts.
I started exercising again.
My husband and I are speaking. AND having sex. Imagine that.
$400 to fix the brakes.

So now I just need to find a way to catch up on my sleep and wake the fuck up. My life is passing me by and I am just watching it and not even caring. My children get older and grow up and I have no idea what I am doing.

I need.... something. Something to wake me up. Something to make me care. Something to inspire and drive me. Something to give me some ambition and drive and a reason to get my ass moving.

Now I just need to figure out what my something is.....

Stress, Worry, Anxiety

I took The Baby in for his 15 month checkup today. It went well. He is too too funny! He has an ear way issue and when we have to go to the doctors he generally has to have the wax dug out of his ears. Or flushed out. So, today, when he saw the doctor come in the room he grabbed ahold of both of his ears and cried. Sad but funny! The doctor thought so too.



He is growing fine and his development is right where it should be. No problems.



But, since I was there, I decided to talk to doc about The Boys sleep issues and his aggression/ violence. The Boy has an appointment in mid-July in Jackson at the Child Development Clinic for some testing. The doctor wants me to discuss his sleep issues and possible supplements or medications with them at that appointment as he is not comfortable/ does not have as much experience with these issues. So. More waiting. As far as the violence.... he has referred us to a Family Counselor. The Boys first appointment is July 15. They are supposed to, basically, discuss with us different options for discipline and how to help The Boy channel his aggression and anger, etc. blah blah... I have no idea. Wait and see.....



So. Two major appointments coming up in July. Both having to do with psychological issues. sigh..... more stress and worry for me. I hate having my boy have issues and problems. And then, too, I worry that I am overreacting. Maybe this is just normal two - three year old behavior and I am just not used to it anymore. I don't think so. But it could be. Anyway.... I will keep all updated as I find anything out.



Update on the pay issue..... Steven says that his boss says that he did not work so he is not getting paid.



Yes. I am angry. Steven said he just had to leave before he did something he might regret. We had a talk. Ha. I talked. I told Steven that if he is not going to quit then he needed to request that he be put back on hourly wages. He has been basically giving this man $150 a week for the past year. Because of all of the extra hours he has worked. And if the man is going to screw him then he needs to go back to hourly. He will either work 40 hours and have a fixed schedule (opening up the possibility of a 2nd job or of me working on off days) OR he will get overtime and be better off money wise.



All I know is that he had better keep me away from his boss. I do NOT need to see him right now.



On top of the loss of $350 of pay, we also found out that our Water bill for this past month is about triple what it normally is. Because we had a toilet that was running constantly. We told the landlord about this on May 29th. He did not fix it until June 17th. They read our meter on the 20th (I think). So, the damn thing was running for, basically, 20 days after we told him about it. I am going to have to talk to him. I cannot afford to be paying a $200 water bill. AND, our stupid electric bill is crazy right now with the heat and having to run the AC.



Sorry. Stressing out.



I HATE being this stressed about money and bills. It affects my ability to enjoy my children. And it affects my ability to enjoy just about anything!

Gack.

Send positive thoughts my way. I need them!