Numb

The past week has been unbearably mind-numbingly boring. And I am on the downside of my life. I am feeling numb and cold and barren and just downright blah. I struggle in the day to day grind of changing diapers and fighting the behaviors of the middle child, breaking up fights and trying to cook, clean and be a "housewife" who gives a shit. I struggle to get out of bed and face the day.... without a grimace and a groan. I struggle to get off my ass and accomplish anything worthwhile in my house. I stretch my mind to try to think any thoughts that are outside of my tiny little world. And I crumble back down like a used tissue. My mind is empty. My heart is dim and my soul is sleeping.

The bright spots of goodness and of despair:

The Boy turned three on Saturday.
The Girl started tenth grade on Monday.
The van decided that it did not need working brakes. In the middle of a 2 hour drive to Jackson. In the rain. (All is well.)
The Boy had a new psych evaluation that was absolutely worthless. They did the same tests on him they have done 5 times in the past year with the same damn results. And still no answers to our sleep issues.
The computer is working!
My back hurts.
I started exercising again.
My husband and I are speaking. AND having sex. Imagine that.
$400 to fix the brakes.

So now I just need to find a way to catch up on my sleep and wake the fuck up. My life is passing me by and I am just watching it and not even caring. My children get older and grow up and I have no idea what I am doing.

I need.... something. Something to wake me up. Something to make me care. Something to inspire and drive me. Something to give me some ambition and drive and a reason to get my ass moving.

Now I just need to figure out what my something is.....

Today...

I have hours, days, weeks, even months where I feel powerful. I feel loved and loving, sexy and beautiful. Times where I am confident and strong and where my insides match my outsides. Where I am the Mother/ Wife/ Woman that I want to be. And I know it. And that self-confidence and self-love just oozes out of me to surround me in an aura of bright sparkling yellows and blues and greens. Happy, content, peaceful.

And then there are those times.

When deep down inside my heart and mind that little bitty corner of my soul is opened. And there is a tiny little girl there with big eyes and ratty hair. That girl is absolutely positive that enough is never enough. That no one could possibly love her. She whispers in my ear over and over. Chanting. "Not good enough. Not good enough."

That little girl is someone that I am terrified of. She makes me run fast and hard.

But how do you escape what is inside of you?

I confront her and comfort her. And eventually she fades away. And I am back to being who I am.

But those times leave me feeling vulnerable. When any little harsh word or lack of words can make me crack and tremble and leak my sorrow all over my household.

I hate that.

I hate not feeling in control of myself. My emotions. My life.

Even in the midst of facing down these doubts, I still, intellectually, KNOW who and what I am. I live my life and drive and change diapers and laugh and live. But still, at night, I crawl in bed and huddle with tears behind my eyes. And I try to wrap my arms around that tiny figure in my soul. And remind her that love is what you make of it. Accept it and be happy. Doubt it and be sad. Life is what you make of it. Struggle and feel trapped. Or relax and feel at peace.

Today I am at peace. Today I am happy.

Today I am Mom. Today I am Honey. Today I am Tracy. Today I am a beautiful, sexy woman. Today I am strong and confident. Today I am me.

Embracing the Darkness

The night is where I am most comfortable. The time and the place where I feel most at home. With darkness a velvet wrapper around my body, the starlight and moonlight are a shining guide to comfort. Whether I am dancing and laughing or just sitting and thinking, that darkness is welcoming and welcomed.

The darkness is not a place to hide. It is a place to discover. The changes in vision that accompany darkness gives one a different outlook. Things are softer and sweeter in the dark. Sometimes darkness makes things even brighter and more vibrant than when the harsher daylight shines upon it. And sometimes more mysterious and malevolent. Either way, it seems more there to me.

Other than, you know, the obvious (lol), what do you enjoy about the darkness? What are some of your favorite memories that involve the night? What do you like to do when you find yourself alone in the night? Do you turn on all of the lights and the TV? Do you go outside and breathe in the sweet air? What? Share with me.....

Rambling

Thanks for the words of inspiration guys! Keep em comin... I will post as I write anything. Today has been a fairly low creativity day. I did LOTS of laundry and dishes and colored with The Boy and lots of other pretty boring stuff for the most part!



Friends of ours just moved back to town yesterday and I went by to visit and make sure they were settling in OK. It was weird to see them again. It has been..... 19 months or so since we saw either one of them. Their kids are HUGE now and they have another little one who is cute as a button. (I snuggled with her for a while. My Baby hated it! Jealous) It was weird for me as I think I had gotten my expectations up. I was excited to have them back as I have missed having someone around who "gets" me. I have met very few people in this area who I could envision myself being real friends with. So... here I am hoping that with A moving back I can have a good buddy again.



Well. I don't know what I expected, the poor girl is trying to unpack, supervise three kids and get set to start her job this week. I guess I just wanted to know that she missed me? Or that she was excited to see me? Who knows. I am just feeling a little let down and I know it is silly. It is not her, just that I tend to build my expectations and want things to be a certain way and when they don't turn out the way I expect... then I feel let down. I have always been that way. You would think I would know better.



Hopefully, when things calm down, I will be able to be friends with this girl again. I hope so... our husbands are in a band together! LOL



I am feeling better physically than I have in a while. My doctor started me on a new medication for the HBP. It seems to be working OK so far. I feel better anyway! Maybe I will try to start working out again. I know I would feel better about myself if I could lose some weight. I hate not feeling comfortable in my own body. And I hate not feeling as sexy as I know I am/ can be. It is hard to look at myself and see what I look like now. In my mind, I still see myself the way I was at 18 - 19. How crazy.... I reread Stranger in a Strange Land last night with the intent to remind myself that all of us are beautiful. I just need to remind myself of that daily, lately.



The Wingmen Of Mayhem have been fairly calm the last few days. Except for at bedtime for the middlest child. He is still giving me fits. Deep breaths.... I love my child...... But, I have instituted "play time with Mommy" every day when The Baby is napping. And we have been coloring and playing and it has been nice. He really seems to dig having a specific time just for us. I think that we will paint a picture tomorrow. I promise to take pics of him covered in paint if we do.



Oh. Also? My "A" key is sticking. So is my "R" key. I blame Hallie. Her post yesterday made me spew soda all over my keyboard. Ewwwwww......



That's it. I got nothin' else. I'm done. For now. Maybe.

Things I love about Myself

Thanks to everyone for your comments on yesterdays post. Like I said, I do love myself. And I made my list. What was disconcerting about the process was just how damn quickly the negative came to mind and how I had to really think hard to find the positive. That is not healthy! Time to concentrate on loving myself instead of trying to change myself constantly!

So, here they are. I have 21 and stopped there for now. I will post details of the boys' doctor visit later.

1. I am a good mother. I love my children and take great care of them. They love me.

2. I am a good wife and partner for my husband. We have a strong relationship based on trust and balance.

3. I am a strong advocate for my children's health – physical, mental and emotional.

4. I am creative. I write poetry with my soul, I create physical crafts that are beautiful and useful.

5. I am intelligent.

6. I am a strong person and able to handle anything that life throws at me. I may bend, but I never break.

7. I am compassionate, sympathetic and empathetic.

8. I have cute toes.

9. I have pretty eyes.

10. I have a sense of humor that is slightly off center. I love to laugh.

11. I see the good in people even while I acknowledge the bad.

12. I see beauty in everyone.

13. I am capable of loving anyone, male or female, with appreciation for what makes them special and unique.

14. I am sensual and sexual in nature.

15. I am adventurous and enjoy trying new things.

16. I can see different viewpoints and understand them without necessarily agreeing with them.

17. I am a hard worker at anything I do.

18. I am passionate.

19. I am forgiving while never forgetting.

20. I am a good friend. I treat my friends with respect and love. I am there whenever I am needed and try my damnedest to do anything I can to make my friends' lives better. I always try to go the extra mile.

21. I hug without inhibition. As needed for comfort, joy and love.

Looking In The Mirror

Claudia posted a really great list of things she loves about herself today. I said to myself "Self. That's a great idea for a post! You should do that!". And then, when I sat down to make my list I realized that I could not think of anything about myself that I love. That is really sad. Now, don't get me wrong, once I really started to do the whole self examination thing, I thought of stuff. I do love myself. But the fact that it took me most of the day to come up with things is what bothers me. The fact that the first things to come to mind were all things that I did NOT like....

I think that lots of women do this to themselves. This self-hatred. I can come up with TONS of things about myself that I need to change or work on in one way or another. But to think of things I love.... I had to really think about it. Why do we do this to ourselves? This constant focus on what is wrong with ourselves and what needs to be "fixed"? Why can't we just accept ourselves for who we are and love ourselves regardless?

I will post my "love" list when I can get it together. When I can sit down and REALLY look into the mirror of my soul and find out what makes me hum.

Right now... I need to go play with my sons.

Finding My Way....

While I was in Florida I saw lots of old friends that I have not seen for a long time. It was bittersweet. It was great to hug them and talk to them and see them. And it was sad because I had to leave again. And also, because I can never go back to the way things used to be. I am not the same person that I was 2 or 3 years ago. I am not even the same person that I was a year ago. I feel things differently now. Different things are important to me.

One of the people that I saw was someone that I loved. Loved more than life itself, it seemed so at the time anyway. I would have died for this man. And I grew away and apart from him. And met my husband. And fell in love with him. And the love that I have for Steven is better and cleaner and stronger than the love that I had for this other man. But, god, to see him again.... it brought back those feelings.

I would never go back to that relationship. It was not healthy. And it was not good. But it was definitely passionate. And crazy. And sexy.

Seeing him again makes me feel.... sad.

And happy. Happy that I am healthy and sane and safe.

But still...... sad.

So, I cry a little bit. And I think that these tears are the healing that I have needed for a long time. the healing that I have been searching for and have not found until now. You never know how much you have grown and changed until you are put back into a situation from your past. You never really know how you will react.

I would not change anything that happened to me in my past. It has made me who I am today. I embrace it, accept it and now... put it behind me. And go on.

My feelings are very close to the surface this week. I seem to be going from happy and excited to depressed and sad to angry and frustrated in the blink of an eye. Right now I am just... quietly sad but relaxed and happy all at the same time.

Yes, I know that I am a bit odd. Ha.