I'm Baaaack!

I am back. My computer went down about a week and a half ago. We THINK the house got struck by lightning. We lost the modem, wireless router, 3 DVD players and my daughter's TV is wonky. AND we ended up having to get a new network card for the computer and reinstall the operating system. But, we are back and running strong.

I will try to get a chance to post a detailed story of what we have been up to for the past week or so sometime soon. For now, I just wanted everyone to know where the heck I have been! LOL

The Bug Hunters

Just a quick check in with everyone. We are having a blast. I am sooooooo happy to have The Girl home. I want to share a story with you.

I live in a 40 - 50 year old house in the Deep South. That means bugs. You cannot get away from them. And I have kids. Which means crumbs. Crumbs = Bugs. Deep South = Bugs x 100. So. I have bugs. My middle child is scared of bugs. When he sees a bug he screams. It could be a roach, a gnat, a housefly, a spider.... it doesn't matter. He screams "A Bug, A Bug!" and I go running with the fly swatter to kill it. (This can be really amusing when we are outside.) I have a heavy duty bug swatter. I swear, this thing is like an inch thick and is attached to a tire iron.

Anyway. This evening (as I type this) my son is leading his sister and his grandmother on a merry chase through the house in search of bugs. When he finds one he jumps up and down and points while hollering "a bug, a bug!" at the top of his lungs. His sister then screams and his grandmother attacks the bug with the swatter. It is highly amusing. He then says Thank You to his grandmother. What can I say.... he is polite! LOL LOL LOL

So, the bug hunters are on the loose. They may have to move outside soon as I think they are running out of bugs in the house.

Maybe I should rent them out......

Tomorrow.... Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the day that my darling daughter comes home to me! SHe, my mother and my MIL will be driving up here from Florida. I canNOT wait to see her. It has been a long summer without her.

I may not be posting again after tomorrow until the following week. It depends upon how busy we are and what we are doing.

Think of me wrapping my arms around The Girl and getting picked up in a big hug! I can't wait.....

While youa re here.... go read this post from Lotus. I think she just wrote the story of my life....

Sorrow

Can I see another's woe, and not be in sorrow too? Can I see another's grief, and not seek for kind relief?

-William Blake

My tears today are for you, Claudia. I hope that, somehow, you are able to find a lessening of the grief that you are feeling. You have my love and my hugs. You have my thoughts and my tears. Nothing else can be said.

Today...

I have hours, days, weeks, even months where I feel powerful. I feel loved and loving, sexy and beautiful. Times where I am confident and strong and where my insides match my outsides. Where I am the Mother/ Wife/ Woman that I want to be. And I know it. And that self-confidence and self-love just oozes out of me to surround me in an aura of bright sparkling yellows and blues and greens. Happy, content, peaceful.

And then there are those times.

When deep down inside my heart and mind that little bitty corner of my soul is opened. And there is a tiny little girl there with big eyes and ratty hair. That girl is absolutely positive that enough is never enough. That no one could possibly love her. She whispers in my ear over and over. Chanting. "Not good enough. Not good enough."

That little girl is someone that I am terrified of. She makes me run fast and hard.

But how do you escape what is inside of you?

I confront her and comfort her. And eventually she fades away. And I am back to being who I am.

But those times leave me feeling vulnerable. When any little harsh word or lack of words can make me crack and tremble and leak my sorrow all over my household.

I hate that.

I hate not feeling in control of myself. My emotions. My life.

Even in the midst of facing down these doubts, I still, intellectually, KNOW who and what I am. I live my life and drive and change diapers and laugh and live. But still, at night, I crawl in bed and huddle with tears behind my eyes. And I try to wrap my arms around that tiny figure in my soul. And remind her that love is what you make of it. Accept it and be happy. Doubt it and be sad. Life is what you make of it. Struggle and feel trapped. Or relax and feel at peace.

Today I am at peace. Today I am happy.

Today I am Mom. Today I am Honey. Today I am Tracy. Today I am a beautiful, sexy woman. Today I am strong and confident. Today I am me.