Call off the dogs!

Call off the dogs, Jessica! I am here and alive and well! This Christmas has been an.... interesting one so far. Very relaxing in some ways as we had no traveling to do and no one came over. It was just me, DH and the 3 kiddos having a quiet day. And lots of good food and yummy cookies. In other ways it was very stressful. My car decided to break down in the midst of last minute Xmas shopping. And there I was with little baby boy and no way home. Long story but eventually the car started and I got it to limp home. My mechanic (who SUPPOSEDLY fixed this same problem on the car months ago) was going to come over for a house call but was unable to make it. So, thanks to some wonderful ladies in my meet and play group, the rest of my shopping was completed without the use of my car. It is still not fixed. It will drive but will not shift out of first gear. So I cannot drive above about 20 mph. Which kinda sucks for going anywhere.

But, Xmas was a success. I took baby boy for his 9 month checkup today and he is doing wonderfully. No problems. It is nice to go to the doctors and not have problems. The Boy ALWAYS has something going on. Not physically but developmentally. So it was nice to have a relaxing office visit with our ped.

My mom and my MIL are on their way here from FL right now. So, Xmas part deaux is about to commence. Can't wait to hug them and have a visit and a chat face to face again. It feels like forever since they were here even though it was just Thanksgiving when they were here!

I will try to post again tonight. More chatting about toys and wrapping paper and cookies.

On another note.... I think I am going to attempt to post every day for 2008. 365 days of blogging. What? Am I crazy? I couldn't even do a month! What am I thinking! Hey, it is worth a shot. And I got a new digital camera for Xmas so I can post PICTURES! Yay! Anyway, I think it will give me a good goal and a good way to take some mental time for myself each day. We will see how it goes!

Later!!!!

Nothing to report

Nothing too earth shattering going on in my life. Just the basic running in place, trying to get ready for the holidays. I am way behind in every way this xmas. My tree is still half naked, my cookies are half made, my presents are .... mostly all bought but not wrapped, the xmas spirit is beginning to filter in though!

I will try to post in between the frenzied wrapping, baking, merry making.... but no guarantees.

Have a wonderful Christmas if I am not back before then!

Monday's Muse

I am reading through some older poetry that I wrote. From before the last two children sucked the creativity out of me. I am wondering where exactly these thoughts came from?? I really impress myself sometimes. (hehe) I will rework and post some of the older things in a little bit. For now, here is a new one. I wrote it this morning. I struggled all week to come up with something and then sat down this morning and wrote this in about five minutes. Not great but I like it. It feels good to me.

Foggy days
buried in laundry
crawling through diapers
struggling to run.

Sleepless nights
worrying, wondering
watching their breaths
falling in love.

Breaking through
making cookies
playing with cars
singing Blue's song.

Sunshine mornings
soon to come
growing and grasping
remembering myself.

I think it needs work and some more thought behind it. But the feeling is there and the idea. And that is a first step to remembering what I am, who I am and getting the muse back!

Examining My Mental Health

I have always been a little bit OCD. I am not a neat/ clean freak (not Monk) but I like to have things go where they are supposed to go. I need them to be put away WHERE THEY GO. CORRECTLY. My organization is my own. It might not make sense to anyone else. And if it is not right, it makes me crazy. I also count things all the time. Like, if I am stirring cookie dough.... I count how many times I stir it. Or if I am driving behind someone I memorize their license plate #. Weird stuff like that. I also hate for my food to touch. Some foods can touch other foods, some cannot ever touch other foods or they must be thrown away. And corn? Cannot EVER be in anything. Soups with corn? Make me want to vomit. I love corn. Just not in anything and not touching anything. I know. It's weird.

I also am borderline bi-polar. I am mild enough that I do not need medication (yet) but I recognize that a lot of my emotional issues stem from this. The highs and lows. The irritability. The inability to handle this SAHM gig.....

I also suffer from the "super mommy" problem. I expect myself to be able to raise 3 kids, keep the house perfect, have dinner home made every night and still be dressed to kill when hubby gets home. AND want to have sex after having two babies pulling on me all day.

I have been struggling with depression for the past... while. I don't know if it is post partum depression or just a combination of lack of sleep and the crap we have gone through over the past few years. It is only lately that I have seen how bad it has been.

So, now, I can see the problems I am having. And I recognize the fact that if I make a plan to do something, a goal, and don't follow through it makes me very anxious. Very stressed and upset. I also hate to be late for anything. With 3 kids being late is an everyday occurrence.

I have decided that one thing that I can do for myself to deal with this is to start to set more realistic goals for myself. I am not perfect. My house will never be perfect. My kids will never be perfect. So, my first realistic goal... the tiny baby step to getting my life under control is to get my dishwasher loaded every night before I go to bed. No matter what shape the rest of the house is in, I will load the dishwasher. Have all dirty dishes in there or soaking in the sink. This is a goal that I know that I can accomplish. And that will make me feel better, to know that I accomplished a goal.

Another thing that I am going to start doing is an "I did" list instead of a "to do" list. I will still have to do lists but geared as long range lists instead of daily. This way I am not so overwhelmed that I cannot do ANYTHING. Which is what has been happening.

And I have promised myself that I will do something for myself each week. To help me remember who I am. And to help me feel good about myself.

So.... now I have to nurse the baby. And change the boy's diaper. And make cookies......

As the house tumbles....

And so go the hours of our days..... up in smoke. Or dust as the case may be. The past few days have just sort of faded into each other with a total lack of meaning. Lots of housework, lots of screaming babies and toddlers, lots of teenage angst and drama, lots of hubby working at work and not working at home. Same ol', Same ol'. With a few notable exceptions.....

I had another yard sale. I really, really, really want to get rid of all of this shit in my house. But, I seem to be unable to just throw it away or even give it away. I want to make some moola.... dinero.... cashola... clams... you know, the greenbacks!! (not wetbacks, silly!) So... the yard sale. It sucked. I sold hardly anything. Only made like $35. Last time I made over $125. I was hoping. Xmas money would be nice. But, now I still have all of this crap. So, now I have to decide.... hold onto it and try to have another sale after Xmas? Or give it away on Freecycle? Or eBay some of it? Or what??????

The baby is teething. It is pure slobbering, screaming, whining, clinging, spitting, chewing fun. He is working on his top two teeth. And they are sooooooo swollen. Poor baby. Any good suggestions to help with this are much appreciated!

The Boy went off of his schedule. So he is a brat of biblical proportions right now. Nuff said.

The Teen. She is..... not having a good day. She was supposed to be going to this Winter Formal at her school. My mom found her a dress. It looks beautiful. And we got shoes, etc. She was all ready to start getting dressed, doing makeup, etc when her friend called and told her the dance was cancelled. She is very disappointed. It would have been her first high school dance. I never went to any dances in high school. No proms, either. Not my scene. But she was excited! Now.... dreary days..... no dance... boo hoo...
Actually, she is OK about it now. She is trying to watch the boys for me so I can sit in here and type away for a bit.

My Xmas tree is half-dressed. have you ever seen a half-naked Xmas tree? It is pitiful. Poor thing. I need to get the rest of the ornaments on it. And make some cookies. We are planning to go to the zoo to see the Xmas light display there Sunday night. And Tuesday is a party for the MAP group. 28 families... lots of kids! Santa will be coming to bring the kids presents. And lots of yummy food and nice people. I haven't really gotten to know very many of the moms yet. I have a hard time getting close to people sometimes. I just don't make friends easily, never have. I always feel like the little girl sitting off by herself, separate from everyone, left out and ignored... sniff sniff... poor me.... JK... I usually have fun even if I haven't made any close friends yet. So... parties and cookies to come.

I will let y'all know whenever the tree finishes getting dressed!

More to come later on my many revelations and decisions this week regarding my mental health and stability.....