Sleep is the food of the gods

So, for any of you who were not aware, my two boys have sleep issues. The youngest just come from being little. The oldest boy has NEVER slept good. I have not had a full 8 hours of sleep in about 2 and a half years. I swear. Well, maybe once. But not for a while. Then...... the boy started to sleep in his toddler bed. And loves it. So, I decided to go full force on the sleep training of the youngest. And moved him out of our bedroom. And he loves it. He slept for 12 hours straight last night. TWELVE HOURS!!!! So, I got to sleep for about 8 1/2 UNINTERRUPTED hours. OMFG. The joy. The pure joy. I feel like a whole new woman. And they have been doing this for like a week and a half now. So, I am actually able to think. OMFG

But....without night feedings, my boobs are like overfilled balloons. Totally boobalicious and yummy looking. But they are definitely overfull. And baby boy was all like "I'm full, take it away" after only nursing on one boob. So now I am lopsided. It's pretty funny. But it doesn't feel so great. I need to find the breast pump......

I'm Alive!!!!!!

I'm here, I'm here! I am alive and sane and in one piece! Promise! My mom and MIL and niece were here for a week. Thanksgiving was fab. Lots of food and we all made pigs of ourselves. Lots of great relaxing and being together and hugs and the grands got to enjoy the kids without the hectic running to and fro that the last visits have been. So... a great week but I did not have the time to post so I suck. Sorry. hehe

more later.... the boy is on the potty.... have to see if he has succeeded in making a tinkle yet.....

Not done yet

I guess I am not done yet. I should be cleaning my house or folding clothes. But I need this time for myself. I need to reconnect with myself and my emotions. I am feeling very weepy and emotional tonight. I know why and I will get to that soon enough. But, I have to say that part of it is the fact that my mommy is coming to see me. I will get to hug her and cry on her shoulder for the first time in a while. Last time she was here we were moving. It was so crazy that we didn't really get time to just visit. And the time before that was a quick jaunt to FL to drop off the eldest and we didn't really get much face time. And the time before that I was having a baby. And the time before that was LAST THANKSGIVING!!!! The last time I really got a chance to sit and have coffee and have face to face conversation with my mother was a year ago. That makes me sad. And she will be here in less than two days and I can not wait. Cause Mommy needs a hug. And a cuddle. Things have been so hard for us over the last year. And so tiring. Sometimes I get tired of being the strong one. The one who tries to hold it all together. Sometimes I wish I could just go to work for 14 hours a day and not worry about anything else. And sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head because, dear god, I really need some time to myself. To recharge. To remember who I am other than a wife and mother. And my mommy will kiss me and make it all better. So there.

I was reading a blog by another mommy earlier. This mommy has inflammatory breast cancer. One day she was breastfeeding her baby. The next she was diagnosed with cancer. And now she is going through chemo and radiation and still trying to be the strong mommy. Wow. I cannot even imagine how she has the strength to do what she does. Reading this blog made me realize that I need to spend more time appreciating my children and enjoying the time I have with them. Because you just never know what is around the corner.

So... to hell with the dust bunnies (OK, they are more like dust monkeys right now) and to hell with the laundry (it's clean... if you need something look in the basket) and to hell with trying to unpack and have a perfect house. I am going to spend tonight recharging my batteries so that I can enjoy my children. Enjoy them the way that they should be enjoyed. With love and laughter and butterfly kisses and raspberries on the belly.

And now I am done.

....the smell of baby

I spent some time today holding my baby and just looking at him. I don't do that nearly enough. He laid in my arms and stopped nursing, let go of the nipple and just stared at me. It was a very sweet moment. The softness of his baby skin against my breast, the strength in his fingers as they grabbed mine, the peace and love and innocence in his eyes, the smell... the smell of baby. That sweet, soft, cuddlesome smell of baby that only lasts a short time. Oh! The love I feel for this baby is so big it makes my heart ache. It wells up in me at the oddest times. He makes my heart sing and fly and float. He makes me happy that I am a mommy first. A mommy foremost. And a mommy of three. I thank whatever deity there is that when we found out we were pregnant again... we made the right choice.

I love my other children. The same weird welling up of love happens when I gaze at them when they don't realize. When they have no idea that I am watching and memorizing every moment of their childhood. It only lasts a heartbeat before it is gone.

My daughter makes me laugh. She makes me cry. She makes me so very proud that I want to show her off to the whole world. She makes me want to cuddle her and comfort her. There is a connection between a mother and a daughter that is strength and independence combined with a little pinky hug. I know that this young woman will be someone very special. She will grow into a woman who I would be proud to call a friend. And I have loved her every second she has been alive. She is the child of my girlhood. The one who has helped me to become the woman I am today. I don't know if she will ever be able to understand the way that I love her. And no other child could ever replace or change the way that I feel for her. It is a different kind of "mother-love" because of having her so young. It has made us closer in some ways and more distant in others. But the love is strong and gentle. It is peaceful and turbulent. It is the love of a mother for the one who MADE HER a mother... and a thankfulness that she came into my life. There are times that I struggle with understanding her. And allowing her to grow but still be supportive. And there are times that I cry for her, because of her and with her. I wish so much that I could change the way the world is and make it easier for her. Make the bullys and the assholes turn into decent human beings. Make the world accepting of differences in people and make my daughter have an easier and happier time in high school. But I can't change the world. I can't change my daughter. I can only change myself. I struggle to show my daughter a good roll model. I don't think that I have done this as well as I could have. I struggle to not be hypocritical or judgmental. I don't always succeed. I struggle to not lose my temper. I usually fail at this one. But I hope that through it all.... she knows I love her.

My son is all boy. He is the one who makes me belly laugh. Who also makes me cry in my bed at night for the pain and the struggles he has to go through. They may be minor when compared to so many children but this is MY SON and it hurts to see him struggle and stumble. He is such a big boy in so many ways but still wants mommy to hold him and hug him. He brings me his books at night and asks for a massage in the only way he can.... by laying down and saying "foot". (Yes, a new word!) He cuddles in his big boy bed and holds his own baby doll and I can see in his eyes that he wants me to lay with him and baby him. And sometimes I do.... because he is still my baby, too. He makes me proud to be the mommy of a strong boy who will grow up to be a strong man. With his father's sense of humor! When he lays his head on my chest and wraps his arms around my neck all I can think is how sweet the moment is... and then he is gone. Running, jumping, screaming, playing, doing everything he can as fast and as furious as he can. What a little man he is.... my incredible, wonderful, manic little man.

And back again to my baby. The last one if things go the way we have discussed them. This is the time I will miss the most when this baby is grown. This time of softness and sweetness and innocence and hope. The smell of baby and the soft baby skin and hair. The pure, unadulterated trust and love in their eyes. It makes me want to fall down on the floor... the power of that trust. The promise of love forever. And I so want to never, ever let my baby be hurt. I never, ever, ever want to have to see this baby hurt and rush him to the ER like his brother. I never want him to come home from school crying like his sister. I want his childhood to be peaceful and joyous. But, I can't wrap him up in bubbles. And I can't live his life for him. All mothers know..... you have to let them go and let them grow. Let them be who they are.

But for now..... he is just my baby......

potty all night long

Beginnings of breakthrough in the potty training situation..... The Boy went peepee TWICE in his potty today! Yay! It's the simple things that make us happy.....

Nothin much else goin on here today. Cleanin', cookin', playin' and not much else. No cute and/or funny anecdotes to share. BUT... I posted in my blog! Yay me! hahahahahahaha

More at a later date....