Beyond Facebook: The return of the blogger

I know, I know, I know! I can't seem to get back in my groove. And when I do post it just seems to be depressing and morose and all those other words that mean you may want to stick your head in a meat grinder. Or at least a toilet.

So here I am again. With some more news about the eldest Wingman of Mayhem. And some more depressing shit. And some teary confessions. And maybe even some anger.

Feel free to hit the next blog on your list. If you keep reading.... thanks for being here. No promises about what the future holds for this blog. It has always been a way to share the news of my life with my family and also a journal to document what I am thinking and feeling. It is awesome when people read. I LURV comments. But lately I have been so damn depressed that it is all I can do to get off the couch and take care of my kids. The blog just did not seem like a realistic expectation of myself. Although it might have helped to get it all out.... who knows.

Anyway. Enough excuses and rambling. On with the meat.

Braeden's IEP went well. I wasn't 100% happy with the outcome but I feel like it is the best we can expect right now. It's like a little book mark. Holding his place until we see how he does.

He was placed in a self contained DD kindergarten. A SPED classroom.

There is one full time teacher and one full time aid. There are 10 other kids in the class. All of them are supposed to be at about the same level behaviorally. The more extreme behaviorally challenged children (is that PC? I don't want to offend anyone) are all in a separate class. The kids join the mainstream classes for specials like music and art.

He will receive two half hour sessions of speech therapy each week at school. The Occupational Therapist will consult with his teacher monthly to see if is progressing or needs to be further evaluated for OT. Same with behavioral therapy.

He is receiving two 45 minute sessions of speech therapy with a private speech pathologist after school. He is also receiving one one hour session of ABA therapy each week after school.

His first day of Kindergarten was weird. The school here has a staggered start schedule. All of the children with last names starting A to..... something go to school on Monday, and then then do not go back until Thursday. Some kids go Tuesday and then Thursday and some kids go Wednesday and then Thursday. Just for the first week.

So, he only had 2 other kids in class with him on Monday. He also screamed and fought when I left him. And the teacher told me later that he cried for quite some time but eventually calmed down. When I picked him up he told me he had had a good day but he "was no go back to that school". He was "too too scared" and he "wouldn't like it". *sigh*

I talked to his teacher on Wednesday and got to get to know her a little bit. I feel comfortable with her. She told me Braeden was smart and very sweet. Also very lovable. Nothing new to me! LOL

Thursday morning rolls around. I was anticipating a full scale meltdown. He got dressed in his uniform, loaded up in the van and proceeded to ask me for the entire drive to school "are we there yet?" The ENTIRE drive. When he saw the school he was excited. He went in and showed me his classroom. Then, he started to run to his teacher and hug her. He stopped and hid behind me. But it was encouraging! He had a great day Thursday. No tears.

Today was an even better day! He has not stopped talking about the book they read or the cupcakes they decorated. And he brought home several things they made in class. He was happy.

I was happy. So excited that he is happy about school!

So why did I spend half of this evening crying?

Why am I anxious and depressed and upset?

I finally admitted to my mother that it is because he is in a SPED class.

He is in a special education classroom.

He is not a typical child.

This will not go away.

He is autistic.

There is no magical cure. No pill. No wand waving.

I ran into a mother who had a child in preK with Braeden last year waiting to pick up her son yesterday. She asked what teacher Braeden had gotten. I told her and then had to explain that he was in the SPED class because she did not know the teacher.

I felt embarrassed! WHY???? Why should I feel embarrassed? It makes no sense! Braeden is an awesome kid. And it's not like she didn't already know he had issues....

I guess I had not really accepted everything yet. And now I have to. There is no ignoring it. There is no thinking it is a "phase" or that he will "outgrow" it.

Of course I know that things will get better with therapy. But I have to wrap my head around the fact that he will never be a typical child. No matter how hard he works and how much he improves. His brain will always work differently.

And on my good days I think that that is an awesome thing indeed. Now how to make the good days outweigh the bad?

Catch up

I am so dang busy this summer with appointments and meetings and cleaning and yada yada yada! I know, everyone is busy. I feel like a chicken with no head.... anyway. For anyone reading who does NOT follow me on Facebook, here is what has been going on (in bullets) (cause I is feelin' lazy)

• Braeden had his second evaluation with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) (I hate that diagnosis, it seems like they are just saying they have no idea) which is on the spectrum but not specifically autism.
• He saw a psychiatrist who agrees with us that medication is not right for Braeden. She had us start him on an Omega -3 fish oil supplement as well as probiotics (which we had already been giving him) and his multi vitamin.
• He is now seeing a therapist for ABA therapy (applied behavioral) but has just started and I have no idea how often he will be going, etc.
• He had a speech evaluation with a private therapist this past week. SHe is reccomending an additional 2 hours of therapy each week in addition to the one hour the school will provide.
• We are supposed to meet with Special Services and the school next week to write his IEP for starting Kindergarten. (!!!)

Malachai updates:

• Mal was turned down for Headstart (preK program) because we are over income. Sound familiar? Same thing happened to us with Braeden at 3 years old.
  
• He is on the waiting list in case anyone drops out. I'm not holding my breath but am crossing my fingers
• His speech comes and goes. Some days he is clear as a bell, other days I can't understand a word he says. He is very much into "babbling" which concerns me as I feel that he should be beyond that at this point.
• I am trying to decide if I should request an evaluation for him for ASD just to ease my mind. I really think all of his behaviors and speech issues are learned from his big brother. But, I could be wrong.
  
• Mal is refusing to use the potty. I am about to go old school on both of the boys! Actually, I am going to implement a plan from Braeden's ABA therapist for BOTH boys to try to deal with the potty issues.

Jenna's update:

• She is gone for the summer.
• She is now a SENIOR!!! OMG!!!!
• She wants to attend Pratt Institute in NYC. OMG!!!!!
• She still has not learned to drive. My bad. Now we have to go get her a new learners permit! LOL
• She is currently working as a Counselor in Training at Camp Crystal in Florida. She will not be back here until the 2nd week of school. But, since it is volunteer work, she will be okay.
• I miss her like crazy!!!

Steven's update:

• He is working 12 hour shifts Tuesday through Saturday. Noon to midnight. Which means he actually is not getting home until after 1 am. It sucks.
• He and I are ..... okay. Things are bumpy but will get better.
  

My update:

• I am stressed.
• I am tired.
• I need a break.
• I need a drink.
• I am completely overwhelmed by all of the stuff with Braeden.
• I am freaking out about him going to Kindergarten.
• I am writing again. For Demand Studios mostly. It is helping make ends meet but sure is hard to do with the Wingmen of Mayhem running around.
• I am smoking too much but am trying to exercise more and lose weight.
• I am in need of a vacation and can't wait until my Mom and MIL come to visit in a few weeks! I could use a hug.

So. There you go!

I plan to try to write at least every other day on the blog. No guarantees though. It depends on what is going on IRL. I'll try to get by to visit all of y'alls blogs soon!

HUGS and blessings

Summertime Blues

I'm alive. For any of the few of you who might still be paying attention to this blog, I am sorry I have not posted in so long. Processing all of the things going on with Braeden and his diagnosis has been difficult. Not to mention having a busy summer with no teen to help me out!

I am back, though. I have missed having this outlet for my emotions and writing. I need to reconnect with my bloggy friends and try to get myself back on an even keel. I have been so very focused on the children that I have let myself sink into obscurity.

So.

This post is just to get my tippy toes wet. And I will be writing about the summer soon.

A is for Autism

B is for Braeden.

The official diagnosis is in from the private psychologist. Autism. Not really surprising and really kind of a relief. Now I know and we can move on from here. I am still waiting for the diagnosis from the psychologist that the school referred him to but i will be surprised if their diagnosis is any different.

Now I just have to figure out where we go from here. I am already frustrated with the school district and I just had my first conversation with their Special Services office today!

For those of you who have, or are, dealing with a special needs child, what were the first things you did? What steps do I need to take? What therapies and services do you think are the most important to start with? **SIGH** so many questions....

You think you are prepared until it comes right down to it. Now I am feeling overwhelmed again.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

Braeden Orion DeLuca is one hell of a great kid. He makes me crazy and frustrates me but he also melts my heart every day. I am thankful he is my son and came into my life when he did. Now I just have to be the Mommy he needs me to be and make sure that he gets any help he needs.

Thank you for all of the kind comments, FB posts and emails. You all make this easier just by being you.

Downward Facing Preschoolers.....

Just popping in to say Hi. Sorry I have been out of touch. I am stressed and just trying to make it through right now. I get Braeden's diagnosis from the psychologist on Monday and am biting my nails waiting to find out.

For now, I leave you with this thought:

Malachai (3) and Braeden (4 1/2) really enjoyed exercising this afternoon. They did some yoga from a kids yoga video and it was adorable! Picture a three year old with a round belly and a bubble butt doing a downward facing dog and then a half moon pose..... too cute for words!

Am thinking about trying to teach Braeden to meditate and do deep breathing. I think it would really help him. But I'm not sure if he might still be too young. Although he did the sitting pose and breathed with the instructor on the video with no problems so who knows!

Will post again soon. I promise.